Jesus Loves Me, This I Know

Pray. Listen. Peace.

2009-09-29T21:39:00.002-07:00

I've been praying more. And listening. And searching. And listening more. The more I do those things, the more I hear God speak to me. Not to everyone else. Just to me. I know this to be true. Because the things I hear wouldn't hold the same meaning for someone else. I don't always know if I'm asking the right question. Or hearing the answer I'm supposed to hear. But either way, I know God knows. And even not knowing the answers myself, I still feel peace knowing He is there to take away the doubt, pain, fear, and uncertainty.

While the relationship I have with God strengthens, it also makes obvious the holes in other relationships. I can see the possibilities with God as my partner. Then I take notice of the opportunities for myself and others to honor Him in daily choices. Choices of words, actions, and attitudes.

Many times at work there are so many things to do, I literally don't know where to start. I've devised a question I ask myself to point me in the right direction -- what can I do first that will most benefit the patients? Usually that narrows things down pretty quickly. So when things get overwhelming in life, maybe I need to pose a different question -- what can I do first that will most please God?

Sounds Under Water

2009-08-30T22:36:00.002-07:00

I see her and I remember. I remember the feeling. The sound of peace underwater. The echo. The silence. The woosh of finger ripples that no one else could hear. Does she hear the same thing? Does it make her feel the same way? I remember going to a place only found under the water. The sounds that were only heard there. She is mine in so many ways. There is a special bond not understood by all. We hear the same thing. It is a place where only we can go.

A Flash of Light

2009-03-02T22:44:00.004-07:00

There's no doubt about it. Times have been challenging lately. Dakota is very two - and with me being almost 38, I sometimes wonder what I'm doing trying this parenthood thing. I pray and pray for it to get easier. For the crying and whining to lessen. (Mine and hers!) But it's where we're at right now and I'm thankful that's all we have to deal with where Dakota is concerned.

But God gave me a bright flash of light to remember on Sunday. After naptime I decided it was time to get out of the house. So we ventured outside with a bucket of sidewalk chalk, my new best friend. I sat on the sidewalk as she drew and we chatted. It's so fun to be able to start having conversations with her. At one point she came and crawled in my lap, leaned back and said "Songs, Mommy!" So I asked her what she wanted to hear and was told "Donald" (aka Old McDonald) So she picked out a few animals and we sang a few verses. Then I asked for her another animal. "Uhhhhhhh......dinosaur!" So the dinosaurs on the farm went "rahr!" Did you know old McDonald also had giraffes, peoples, and snakes? It was a surprise to me too.

Things got hard again in the afternoon. And things at work today were very challenging. But my little flash of light was there when I needed it to remember that goodness is still there in the darkness. That it won't be this way forever. That He is listening.

Thank you God for listening. Thank you for showing me the light in the darkness, even if for a brief moment. Please stay by our side as we face each new day. Amen.

Puzzle Pieces

2009-02-01T21:03:00.003-07:00

As I was driving the nap drive today, I went to call my mom and there was no signal. Sometimes there is and sometimes there isn't way in the middle of the desert of Stanfield. But, with the analogy that followed, I knew there was no signal today for a reason.

My life feels like a picture puzzle. All in pieces and all scattered about. I once knew what the picture looked like when it was whole and in one piece. But now I'm not so sure. The only thing that I am sure of is that Dakota and I are on the same piece someplace. We will always be on the same piece of the puzzle.

I want to put it together so fast so I know what the picture actually looks like. What the end result will be. Who will be in the picture? Where will it be located? What will the surroundings look like? How will I feel and look? I came to the realization somewhere after passing the third dairy farm that God is the only one who can put the pieces together. He's the only one who can reshape them and make them fit together again.

This was the perfect image for me, because a broken puzzle is EXACTLY how I feel right now. I have a card on my magnet board that says something like "Trade Your Pieces for Gods Peace". I'm not sure how the pieces are going to come together again. Some days it feels like they actually get scattered further apart instead of closer together.

Hey.....isn't it easier when you start with a corner piece? Something with a strong foundation to build on? If I keep trying to fit all the pieces to that one Main Piece, maybe it will come together. In His time. And the picture will be His too.

p.s. Had to share a cute pic I got of Dakota eating an apple today. She's always eating but as skinny as a stick. I'm not sure whose child she is!

Not Thinking, Just Feeling

2009-01-31T20:45:00.003-07:00

I'm a big bunch of feelings today. I'm not thinking, just feeling. Can't think through things, just feel them. And all the tears that have been shed are a result of it. Some moments I feel like I have everything in the world that I could ever want. The next minute I can't figure out how I got to where I am and why.

The financial challenges continue to be thrown our way. Apparently more than I even have been told originally. My trust is down, my guard is up. And then there's the sweet little two year old that needs me every minute of the day when she's not screaming to avoid getting buckled in a carseat or throwing a kicking temper tantrum outside of the grocery store. I need her too, more than ever. But when her screaming fits happen at the same time as mine, watch out!

There's a plan, I just don't know what it is yet. I pray to not yell at Dakota. I pray to hold my tongue with Tony. I pray to make all this mess go away and start again, no matter how poor or how little we might have. I pray for a simpler life.

The feelings are on top. I can look at it from one angle and say it brings me closer to God - feeling things instead of thinking about them. I have to ask for Him more. I have to reach out to Him more. Usually it results in tears of "I don't know what to do anymore", which helps me give it over to Him.

Somehow it will work out. Somehow things will be resolved. Someday we will be able to move forward. Until then.....

The Hidden Problem

2009-01-17T01:38:00.002-07:00

Yep, it's been a while. It's been a hectic holiday season that had a lot of stress included. I'll skip most of the gory details. Let's just say this....I started reading Love Dare and while Tony's behavior hasn't changed much, it's been easier to handle. But that's not even what this is about.

This is about me having to tell the world (or at least the part of the world that might see this) of my problem. A problem that is full of shame. A problem that didn't start out as a problem, but has gotten worse. The only way I can even try to fix it is to shout it from the rooftops, pray really hard for forgiveness, and hand everything over to Him.

I had never really gambled until I met Tony. He went a few times a month and we started dating it was a fun date night. Should it be a surprise we got married in Vegas? When Dakota was born, we rarely had the chance to go out together. So we started going on our own, individually. Tony would go one night, I would go another. The nearest casino is five minutes from our house. It was a stress reliever. It was a way to get out. It was a way to not have to think for a while.

Again, it started out fun. I'd go a while and then go home. Then I didn't want to go home...so I spent more so I didn't have to. Sometimes I have to look at my bank account to find out how much I spent, I zone it out that much. It's a mixed blessing that my bank account has a line of credit for overdraft protection. I've juggled paychecks and fibbed to my husband often.

I've prayed. I've asked for help. And I've heard Him talk to me in the car when I'm on the way there. I promise Him I'll be able to do better this time....and then I fail again and again. I don't remember the scripture I saw recently but it roughly said something about those that believe in God but still follow Satan. There's so much other stuff we're dealing with right now.....why am I doing this to myself?

I came home tonight and tried to talk to Tony. I told him I wanted to get my account straightened out and close it so we only have one bank account. I WANT accountability. I WANT to be afraid to spend too much. I WANT to work together on the finances. But Tony being Tony, he can't calmly talk or listen about anything. After trying to give him a very sketchy outline of tonight's events, he started getting upset. And when he gets upset, he starts talking to me like I'm a child. So I ended the conversation and came in here to write.

I knew I had to get it out. So there, I said it. To someone. To anyone. I've done horrible things. I'm made horrible choices, knowingly. I'm ashamed to write this, to have people I know read this, but I know I have to. Even now, I'm leaving out a few details.

There's so much, I don't even know what to ask to pray for. Just pray.

Girl's Weekend

2008-11-26T12:55:00.010-07:00

Tony went away last weekend and Dakota and I had girl time. She was a bit cranky on Friday night and Saturday, so we stuck fairly close to home. But Sunday we went to the zoo and had a lot of fun! We had lots of little toy surprises to pull out here and there to keep things interesting. She's definitely a Momma's girl....which is ok with me right now. Here's some pics of the fun!

We watched a lot of Elmo and snuggled on the couch.......

And colored with new crayons and coloring books...............

And played outside with bubbles......................

And had lots of fun at the zoo! We had a lot of firsts: first carousel ride, first hand painting, first time nose to nose with a monkey (with glass inbetween). We even did one of those little photo booth pictures that make you look horrible, but they're so much fun!

Yep, we had lots of fun. The more time I spend with Dakota, the more I fall in love with her. Even though she can be quite the stinker, she is a very sweet girl and has a smile that melts your heart.

No More "Ring Ring" Bling

2008-11-07T22:18:00.002-07:00

I did something this evening that was very easy to do, but had more significance to me than anyone would understand. And it may sound funny, but I took the "bling" off my phone. I have a pink cell phone and about a year ago had found pink and white "jewels" to adorn it. Maybe it was my attempt to fit in or feel younger. Maybe it was an attempt to be trendy and fun. But for whatever reason, they've been there.

Many people have commented on them. They were very flashy! And the other day as I was thinking about what was important.....I suddenly didn't want them anymore. With or without the sparkles, my phone was still my phone. It functioned just fine all on it's own without any need to play dress up.

So while my daughter took her bath tonight, I picked them off, one at a time. The phone needs to be cleaned up a little, it was still kind of shiny under all that glitz. But it's not a fashion statement, it's not going to make my life easier when I could use 4 more hours in a day. I don't want the extras anymore. I don't want the "stuff" that's just "stuff" for the purpose of being "stuff".

Maybe I can take some of my own "sparkles" off too. Maybe I can get my haircut as short as I want without worrying what others might think. Maybe I can get rid of knick knacks that just collect dust. Maybe I can make some house/yard decisions on my own instead of trying to be the "nice" wife who waits patiently. I might find more of me under the glitter as it comes off piece by piece.

I'm so thankful God knows whats underneath the fake glitter. I'm so glad He's willing to clean us off after we peel it off, piece by piece. It can be scary taking off the shiny pieces of "expectations", "status builders", and "ego boosters". But underneath it all, we're still just who we are. God loves us for that and we should be able to love ourselves for that too.

And the Hugs Continue

2008-10-26T20:51:00.002-07:00

The Free Hugs continue! The sign that I saw last week was put there to help me open my eyes to the hugs that God gives me everyday. Since then, I have been much more aware of God hugging me in many different ways. Sometimes it in the kind words of a co-worker, sometimes it's in the actual hug from my child, sometimes it's in helping me be patient, and sometimes it's even in seeing a beautiful picture or design.

Dakota was sick this weekend with tummy flu (read urp!) and allergies (read random hives). But through it all, she gave me lots of hugs. And it's even better when she says "Momma hugs" when she does it. Today we thanked God together (ok, so I did most of the talking) for His giving us to each other.

Yes, the hugs continue............

"Free Hugs"

2008-10-21T09:35:00.002-07:00

Everything fell together the way it was supposed to so I could see this one sign. Dakota and I were going for a nap drive on Sunday. I pulled in the shopping center to get a soda for the drive. I didn't turn one way to get to Jack in the Box because a car was blocking the way, so I had to go straight. And there she sat. A sweet looking woman, probably in her 50's, sitting in a lawn chair on the corner holding a sign. "Free Hugs"

The sign made my day. It gave me hope. It reminded me that people do care. Here was this woman spending time on a Sunday offering hope to complete strangers. I went through the drive thru, got my soda, and purposely drove by her again. I rolled down my window and thanked her for making me smile. "You're very welcome" she said with a warm smile.

As I drove for the next hour my thoughts kept returning to the woman and her sign. I know God used her to reach me and wonder how many others He touched through her. He is always there ready to offer free hugs. Anytime of day, any situation, as much as we need. I need to remember this when I'm feeling lonely or struggling to cope.

God is always there ready to give hugs. And if drive the right way on Sundays, there might be a nice woman who is willing too.

**Update** -- Update to my last post: Dakota is still struggling at night time, but I'm not sure it's just the milk. We went to a birthday party that weekend and apparently the entire family who's house we were at ended up with the flu. And the little one that's Dakota's age had the exact same symptoms for two weeks. I think her tummy is getting better.....but getting her to stay in her bed is still our biggest challenge!

What Am I Doing?

2008-10-11T21:39:00.003-07:00

I'm starting to think my child doesn't like me. Or my husband. Or our home. Every time we're home, she cries and screams. It's not fun anymore. Everyone is on edge because you can only take a screaming child who is screaming for no reason for so long. Well, I'm sure there's a reason, but she's not sharing.

Is it because she's two? Are her molars coming in? Does she have tummy problems? I think it's yes to all of the above. She gets up 1-2 hours in the middle of the night every night now. She sleeps in her bed half the night and won't go back in. We had to move to a toddler bed, because she figured out how to climb out of the crib. So we bought Elmo sheets and bedding today in an attempt to make bed more "fun" and "likeable".

During the middle of the day she seems to be fairly ok. Four or five o'clock rolls around and it's duck and cover. I want to run away. My husband deals with it worse than I do and ends up behaving just as bad as the two year old. She wants something, you get it, and then she doesn't want it. Either option results in tears and shouts.

We're going through a half gallon of milk every two days because that's the only way I can get her to calm down at night. And at 2 a.m. I'm in survival mode at this point. I know almost all of the Elmo "Potty" video by heart now because it's another cure all.

My husband's convinced that something is wrong because this can't be just from being two or having molars come in. I don't know what to think at this point. All I know is I end up in tears alot. My daughter can be the most precious gift in one moment and ten seconds later I'm ready to UPS her to Michigan to live with her Gram.

Now I'm suspicious of a food allergy. Can a food allergy make a baby go off the deep end? She had a hive on her face tonight. I wondered if it was from her being worked up or a reaction to something. So I frantically put together a tracking sheet to monitor food, sleep, meds and behavior to see if I could notice any patterns.

Ha! She literally just spend a half hour rolling around the floor screaming, not letting us touch her. The way she moved I could tell it was her tummy. I'm definitely thinking milk may be in the running as the cause. Looks like I'll be calling the doctor's office Monday morning. After getting her calmed down, we drank some apple juice and off she went again. So she's back in bed....for now. Which is where I should head since it might be another hour when I get a wake up call.

Any and all comments are welcome.

Loud, Noisy Trucks

2008-09-24T10:49:00.004-07:00

Dakota has started this new daily ritual that we have to walk to the mailbox. It's become kind of fun watching her run down the sidewalk, and try and balance on the curb. Yesterday I think it took us 15 minutes to walk 10 houses, each house had something different to stop and look at or try and do (like banging on a for sale sign with a rock). This morning there were more trucks and buses out than there are in the evenings when we usually take our walks. And God used the moment as a lesson.

Everytime Dakota hear a loud truck or one drove past, she would immediately turn to me and grab my hand. If she was ahead of me, she would run back. She needed reassurance that the loud noise wasn't going to get her and she would be all right. And I was there. Everytime.

I've got lots of "loud, noisy trucks" in my life right now. What a great opportunity He used to remind me that He is there for me too. Everytime. And He will reassure me that all will be well. He's there for me to turn to all the time, no matter when a "truck" drives by. I might be scared by the noise....but He will hold my hand and walk with me.

Thank you Lord, for reminding me that as I watch over Dakota, you watch over me. I am never alone and you faithfully will be by my side. Please continue to hold my hand as our family works toward a new life together. Keep us together in Your arms as we search for understanding on how to move forward with so many new changes. Thank you for the support You give us and for that which you give us through friends. Amen.

Hitting the Wall

2008-09-16T21:56:00.004-07:00

I've got so much running around in my brain....I'm not sure I can come up with coherent thoughts. Excuse my ramblings......I just need to get a few things out.

Like many people, we've been having a hard time financially. We've finally hit the wall and don't have too many options. Big changes are going to have to be made - credit cards are being shredded and the poop guy is outta here. But it's a lot more than that. The way we're used to living, the way we've made decisions, the way we've thought about and spent money....all has to drastically change.

I'm thankful that we're all healthy and our house and cars are staying in place. I know it could be much much worse. But my reality is being forced to be changed and I'm scared. In the end, I know this will result in a positive. Tony and I are being forced to work together. We're having to be open and honest with each other. And we're having to re-examine our priorities. (Is it really important to have the shampoo you've been using for 20 years, or can you use one of the 5 bottles that is already purchased?) I have faith that everything will end up ok and God will get us through.....and maybe there will be an opportunity for Tony to find more faith.

I try to keep a smile on my face, but my patience is not there right now. Especially at home. I'm quick to get frustrated and easily irritated. I know this is taxing on everyone.....but life still moves on. There's still babies to feed, trash to take out, things to do. I'd love nothing more than to have a few hours to do nothing but hide in bed.....but I don't see that happening for another 15 years.

Please pray for us. That finances get resolved, that we work together and support each other, that Dakota's "two-ish-ness" doesn't push me over the mommy edge, that God takes us where we are supposed to be.

It's a Love Fest!

2008-09-09T10:15:00.004-07:00

My dear friend Karen over at Surviving Motherhood gave me the nicest blog award this week. I'm displaying it proudly. Thanks friend!

Karen is also getting ready to release her new book "Finding Joy: More Confessions of an Irritable Mother." Click here to find out how you can win your own copy. Karen and her words have been an inspiration to me daily. Anyone who reads her blogs and/or books has an extra angel on their side.

Ok, so back to the award.....I'm supposed to pass it on......so here goes.

Emily at According to Em - A wonderful preschool teacher who has become a dear friend. I know God brought us together so we would have each other to lean on and encourage.

Nana Reese at House of Whimsy - Ok, so she happens to be Emily's mom. But she's one of the best Nana's in the world! And her blog is so fun to look at if you like to be creative.

Now, for you recipients of this award, here's the deal:

Display your award.
Link back to the person who gave you the award.
Nominate other blogs.
Put links to those blogs on yours.
Leave a message on the blogs of the people you've nominated.
Enjoy your award!

Have a good day girls. God will get us through day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute.

Witnessing to Frito

2008-09-01T21:38:00.004-07:00

Considering where my brain has been at lately, this holiday weekend was fun. I got to go out with my friend. I got to play with my baby. And we went out to the park for an outing as a family.

One of the moments that brought a smile to my face today was when Dakota started witnessing to the dog. Frito never knew what hit him. Dakota found one of those little Bibles that only has the New Testament and some Psalms in it. She brought it to me and I told her it was a special book and she had to be very soft with it. After flipping through the pages carefully she decided to share the good book with Frito.

Frito is right at eye level for Dakota when he lies on the couch. She walked up to him, book in hand and started reading to him. I was smiling on the outside and rolling with laughter on the inside. She would read to Frito, turn a page and read some more, all with the book touching Frito's nose.

Something distracted her and the Book was put aside for a while. Later in the evening she brought it to me, sat in my lap and said "read". Where was I to start? Something short that might keep her attention for 30 seconds. They had the Lord's Prayer on one page, so we said that. That seemed to satisfy her.

The Book now lives in the book bucket with the rest. I'm sure it will get pulled out again. Watch out Frito, she's not done with you yet!

God is Bigger than the Boogeyman

2008-08-23T22:30:00.002-07:00

Dakota found my Junior Asparagus Veggie Tales stuffed toy this week. When you squeeze it, his eyes light up and he sings the chorus from "God is Bigger than the Boogeyman". She thinks it's fun....I think it's a reminder that has good timing.

There's been a few "boogeys" lurking out there this week. Mostly in my head. But they had planted themselves firmly in my brain to change my outlook on reality for a few days. First it starts with me and how I go about dealing with "boogeys"....then it spreads to being able to deal with a whiney two year old and a not-so-motivated husband. The standard snowball effect.

When it was its worst, God used a friend to hug me. I felt it. And from that point it started getting better a little at a time. This whole two year old behavior is new and challenging. Especially when I get home exhausted after working. Many nights I fall asleep sitting or standing while I'm trying to put Dakota to sleep. So my patience isn't always top of the line.

Oddly enough, Tony actually showed me, without knowing it, some ways to handle her today. I tried to ignore it and just have fun. We painted toe nails. We made a fort out of a card table and blanket. She's getting bigger and I'm anxious to play with her.

I need to get my own brain back on track on taking care of myself. It doesn't feel like I have the time for that luxury these days. Food has become the enemy again which means I'm eating more of it and not the good stuff. I don't want to give up, but I don't know how to keep going, if that makes any sense.

I'm so thankful God doesn't give up on me, even when I've given up on myself. That even after I've made bad choices, He's there to help me make it through the next crossroads. I try and look for the moments of light that he provides to remind me that all will be ok. Gracie was telling Dakota goodbye this week in the car while I was talking to Emily.....she yells out, "Penny, your car is messy just like mine!" Emily and I looked at each other and just burst out laughing. Gracie is always ready to provide a moment of light, even when it feels really dark.

I pray for time, space, peace of mind and wisdom to take care of myself. If I can get to that point, I think some of the rest will become easier. I guess it's not supposed to be easy.....but it can still be meaningful.

Do Over

2008-08-03T21:01:00.002-07:00

Tomorrow starts a whole new week. I'm looking at it that way for many reasons. Apparently I had to fall hard last week to be able to get back up again. I guess in a way God showed me how much I really need Him. Well, I listened. And listened, and listened. I found new means of help. I want to listen to music all the time. It's so uplifting....I'd listen to it at work if they let me. It was a real saving grace last week when all felt wrong.

And then there was my friend, Emily. Who even though we didn't see each other when it was the worst, her being there made it better. She told me she cared. She understood what I was going through, even at times when I didn't think I did. Good things come to those who wait. Emily and her entire family were worth the wait.

So on to the new week. A time to start over. A time to try again. A time to not give up. Remembering that I'm never alone. Remembering that what I do is important. Remembering that God is all around me every moment.

Mushy Brain Bedtime

2008-07-29T22:42:00.002-07:00

My brain is mush. It's like that alot these days. I just spent two hours getting a soon to be two year old to bed. The other part that keeps my brain mushy is that I spend much time trying to figure things out. "Things" meaning "everything". Parenthood, marriage, motivation, husbands, faith.....just a few minor details in life. : )

I started a new book last night. It's in the other room and I'm too tired to get the name of it right now, but it's something about finding God's purpose for yourself in life. They're short "lessons" each day that end with things to think about the next day. The first day focused on remembering that our lifes' purpose is up to God. It's in His master plan. So why the heck do I spend all this brain power and energy spinning my wheels? Maybe I'll find that out in the next few weeks too.

I do feel better when I focus on Him. I didn't turn the tv on while I worked this morning. I'm not sure I was more productive, but definitely more focused and peaceful listening to music. The last few nights I've read my Bible too. Nothing specific, just flipping pages here and there, taking in the Words. It's amazing how every page has so much meaning. So much comfort in every piece of scripture.

There's got to be a bridge someplace that allows mushy brains a rest. Someplace quiet where there are no worries....just life.

The Battle

2008-07-11T13:25:00.002-07:00

I think the clouds outside have found their way into my brain. One day I feel like I have a handle on things and am headed in the right direction. The next day everything feels fuzzy and it's difficult to keep a positive outlook. I keep going back to God, praying, and trying to do what He would have me do. But the inbetween times are filled with headaches and food.

I've been on Weight Watchers for over 3 months now. Don't get me wrong, 13 pounds gone is better than 13 pounds gained. But I struggle....oh, how I struggle. Sometimes it feels like the battle between good and evil goes on in my head and it's all about what I'm trying to eat. I'm an emotional eater, I've always known that. I've learned alot the last 3 months about my patterns, why I eat, when I eat, etc.. But it's still so hard. I literally had to pray and talk to myself as I drove to work this week so I didn't stop and get fast food for breakfast.

I feel bad about myself that I have such a hard time controlling something as routine as eating. Why is it so hard to just say no, and do what I know I should? I feel better about myself when I make better choices. (And that's more than just eating choices) But sadly, sometimes it feels like I just don't care. A cheeseburger or breakfast burrito here and there won't make that much of a difference. But it does. Once the avalanche starts, it's hard to stop. And then emotions get involved and there's a downward spiral from there.

So what is my motivating factor in all this? Well, I need to lose 5 more pounds before insurance will even consider covering me again. Yeah, sure, I want to fit into a size 12 and be prettier. But that's all superficial. I need to work on being healthy to stay off high cholesterol mediciation and not go into diabetes. More than that, I need to be healthy to be there for my daughter.

But it's still so hard. Even knowing the reasons, having the right food available, and wanting to succeed......I battle it every day. I had one good week where everything clicked. It was easier. I'm not sure why it was different, but it was. Now I'm back to minute by minute fighting the grease and chocolate cravings.

God, please fill the space that feels void. The space which I try and fill with food. Give me the strength to make the right choices. Help me win this battle.

If I Paid You What You're Worth

2008-06-27T21:23:00.003-07:00

We are very blessed with an in-home daycare provider who has become a close friend. She's a big part of why Dakota is doing so well with letters, numbers and colors, not to mention socially. I thought this week about how grateful I am that Emily is a part of our lives. I thought if I paid her what she was worth, what she deserves every week, I wouldn't be able to afford her. And it's so true......I can't put a pricetag on my daughter being in a loving home being taught values and skills when I can't be with her. Where when she's there, she becomes one of her own.

God must have had a specific lesson in mind this week, because I've been thinking about this concept for a few days now. How does Emily's value to Dakota and I translate to a bigger picture? Well, it hit me.....the way I feel about Emily - not being able to pay her what she's worth - is how God feels about me. When I try and grasp the enormity of it all, it's overwhelming. God knows my value, every day, and it's beyond measure.

The real lesson part comes when I take it one step further. He feels this way about everyone. So that means the person who drives me nuts at work, or the jerk who cut me off in traffic, has the same value as an individual to God. Even though I may not be able to see the good, He can see it perfectly clear. He knows what we're all worth.

It's beyond our comprehension and imagination that someone could value us this much. It gives me hope, pride, and peace knowing that I'm worth that much to Him. To be able to see that value in another, the way God sees them, begins to connect us all. We are all His. We are all a part of Him. We are all priceless.

Driving Time

2008-06-22T20:14:00.004-07:00

I still drive Dakota around on the weekends so she can take a nap. Granted, it's once a day instead of twice a day with the gas prices, but we still do it. Today I realized those drives are not just for her, they're for me too. I talked to God for an hour. I prayed, I cried, I hoped. I prayed for family and friends. I prayed for my husband. I prayed for strength for myself.

I set myself on a new path today. It's somewhat still to be determined, but I could tell God was with me in the car. I have a good friend (Em) who is going through similar things right now. I felt God tell me that we have each other and we both have Him. Together, we would all get through.

The biggest feeling I got was that I needed to live. Not by other people's expectations or standards, but to do what I want. To do what Dakota needs. I want to become the best person I can so that I can be the best Mom I can be for her. If that means going places and doing things just the two of us, then so be it.

As I drove through the empty space of Stanfield to Casa Grande I teared up at the thought of living in the slower paced country. At first I couldn't tell if it was actually appealing to me or if I was just trying to escape. But what appealed to me, to the point of tears, was the simplicity of it all. A simple house, minimal "things", and a yard to play in. Sounds like heaven.

But heaven is wherever my little girl is. And I can work on making my existing life more simple. I finished the drive feeling hopeful and peaceful and connected to something. I was surprised at how fast reality slapped me in the face when I got home. But I need to learn to keep my own reality around me and not let others' get in the way.

My post may seem rather cryptic, but I'm sure there's a few that understand. The knowledge that I can create something with God's support is an amazing feeling. Keeping this at the forefront, making choices based on this, spending time with friends who understand, raising my daughter to appreciate it.....these are things worth the drive.

Baby Mine

2008-06-18T09:41:00.004-07:00

I dropped off a baby at the sitter's yesterday and picked up a little girl. I'm not sure when it happened, but the change felt like it just took a few hours. Maybe it was the pigtails that she looked oh so adorable in. She walked out to the car with me jabbering and telling me stories. Then she sang to me on the way home. After dinner, she played all by herself for a while with the Little People farm. The bottle I gave her to get to sleep reminded me there's still a little baby-ness left yet. It's definitely a different feeling though. I remember the day when I didn't think I would ever get out of colic, or teething (still working on that one). And here we are starting to fight big girl battles of temper tantrums and kicking the door after I've said "no" 20 times. The Lord has carried us this far...and thankfully without too many battle scars. I'm reminded that everything is a phase and He will carry us through the next stage as well. How wonderful to know in advance that He will get us through!

The 201st Time

2008-06-12T22:08:00.002-07:00

I feel like I'm finally making some progress in little tiny baby steps. After having weeds in the back yard over four feet tall, I called a landscape service. Within 3 hours they were working and finished after 3 hours. (Gee Honey, that only took a 2 minute phone call!) I made it through Wednesday, always a challenge for some reason, without going off program (I'm doing Weight Watchers). Thursday was a different story, but at least I made it through Wednesday this week. We're starting to get the dinner thing down. Penny makes the menu for the week, Tony cooks it. :) Dakota's finally in a routine of bath every other night barring any nasty emergencies. Which sadly is something for me to be excited about because there were many weeks when I just didn't feel like it and her bath nights were farther and fewer inbetween. I'm trying to do something to relax every night for just a few minutes. Usually computer time or reading. Of course I fall asleep halfway through a magazine....but it's a start. I've started taking showers in the morning -- woo hooo! For so long I told myself I HAD to take them at night because Dakota might get up too early. Well, she's been sleeping later...AND daddy's home this summer and just helps out (with a little arm twisting) if needed.

Sure, there's still more things that need work. The kitchen light that's been out for over 8 months. The files that need to be shredded from the last 3 years. Exercising....ewwww....the E-word. And I think I'll get there. As long as I give myself time. That seems to be the key. Allowing myself time to get there. Dare I say "allowing myself not to be perfect?" Eeekkk! Don't tell anyone. I might not get it right the first 200 times, but 201 might just be it.

Redefining Family

2008-05-30T20:31:00.003-07:00

The word "family" was redefined for me yesterday by my co-workers. I have worked at an optomitrists office for a year now. The birthday celebration that these dear people gave me made me feel like the most special person in the world. Gifts and cards. Then sweet Spencer, who is 19 and will make someone an excellent husband someday, came in on his day off to play "Happy Birthday" on his violin. They went together and got me a beautiful bouquet of flowers. They took me to lunch.

Remember the oscar acceptance speech by Sally Field? "You like me, you really like me!" That's exactly how I felt. These people "get" me. They appreciate, love, and care for me. They are mormon, catholic, and christian. They are people I spend more time with during the week than I do with my husband and child. They range in age from 19-62.

I am so blessed and thankful to be a part of this family. I feel closer to some of them than I do my own relatives and friends my age. I know God put me in the middle of these people for a reason. I am able to completely be me with I am with them. Right now I can never imagine leaving them. But if I do, for whatever reason, I know that I will always be a part of that family. For now, I focus on being thankful and enjoying every minute.

What Matters

2008-05-20T22:30:00.003-07:00

I look at her and nothing else in the world matters. It doesn't matter that my backyard has weeds over three feet tall. It doesn't matter that the dog desperately needs to be groomed. It doesn't matter that the vaccum cleaner broke. It doesn't matter than my windshield has a crack in it two feet long.

All that matters is that smile. And the hugs and kisses. My energy and focus is right where it should be. She's not even two and she can count to ten. She gets excited about macaroni and cheese to the point of squeals. She kisses her daddy goodnight five times before she goes to bed. She hugs the dog like he's her best friend.

It's hard to not have enough time or energy to keep "things" up around the house. Looking at the house, I could feel like a complete failure. Looking at what's important, looking at her, I know I am doing something right.

Taking Control Means Giving It Up?

2008-05-15T15:39:00.003-07:00

I feel like I'm getting ready to take back control of my life. There's many areas - physically and mentally - that I've recognized as needing work. And I've come to the conclusion that I just have to do it! Whatever "it" is at the moment. So amongst my thoughts on my 45 minute drive home today.....I start thinking how I can take control again. How God might be a part of that.

Then it hit me.....do I have to take back control, or GIVE UP control to Him? I think there's probably a happy medium in there where God will walk with me hand in hand. But I have to go to Him with open arms, like His are always open. And I have to listen for His wisdom as I figure out what to do day to day. And I have to be thankful and use the skills that He has given only me. So I guess there's a few things I need to do too.

All I know is it's time to do something. And with Him it will never be alone.

God Hugged Me Tonight

2008-04-14T20:42:00.000-07:00

God hugged me tonight. I physically felt his presence through Dakota while I was rocking her to sleep. She put her arms around my neck and her head on my shoulder and I knew. I knew God was using this beautiful little girl to hug me. It felt amazing. Uplifting, hopeful, peaceful. All things I haven't felt in a long time due to some life events.

But God and my baby just told me we would get through. Everything will be ok because they love me. Tomorrow we can start over again. And they will be there for me. And there will be more hugs. More hope. More peace.

It's a Numbers Game

2008-02-23T17:26:00.000-07:00

I've been sick for 5 weeks now. I've been to urgent care once, my doctor twice and am on my fourth round of antibiotics. Dakota's been sick for two weeks. She's been to the doctor three times in one month. Tony's been sick for one week and been to the doctor once. (I'm still wondering how he got out so good) Number of times in the last two weeks I've slept without a baby in amy arms all night....ZERO! :)

I have to focus on one thing at a time now, even though it's going to take a hundred times longer to get where I want to be. I've got to get Dakota better first. She slept the most part of 24 hours straight and woke up a new baby. Well, not THAT new....she's back to being cranky, which means she's on her way back to normal. I've prayed so hard that that little body just get stronger. Once I can get her back on a regular schedule and back in daycare full time, I can focus on the next step.

Getting me better. I'm not sure how that's going to happen or how long it's going to take. Every time I stop taking medicine my cold comes back and gets worse. So next week should be interesting. But only after I get my strength back can I really move forward. There's so much I want to do and I just don't have the energy.

I pray that God continues to carry us forward. Everytime I don't think I can go any further, something else happens or someone gets sick again and my limits are stretched. Through God I have been able to go further than I thought possible. It might include a quick trip to the looney bin at this rate, but I know He'll be there with me. The days are feeling like weeks and the weeks like months. It's frustrating when my brain is at one point and my body can't be there to act on it.

So here's to rest, and regaining strength, and God getting me to the downhill portion of this month, which might take a month to get to......but we'll be there eventually.

My Whining Time

2008-01-27T20:27:00.000-07:00

I'm going to preface this post by saying that I need to vent. And knowing that I need to vent means I know in reality everything isn't as bad as it feels this moment. That's probably part of the reason why I haven't written in over three months.....is because my intention with this blog was to stay upbeat and positive. And the weather has been stormy for the last few months around the Dolata household. I'm not sure why I feel like I have to apologize....we all feel things, right?

Dakota is 18 months old going on two. Yes, the temper tantrums and crying have started. If she doesn't get what she wants, she'll stand there and cry for five minutes. She screams and fusses every time you try to buckle her in a carseat or highchair. And I think she just cries for no reason at all. Did I mention she also has three teeth coming in at the same time? She won't let me do anything to/for her. I started questioning why God gave me this beautiful little girl if I can't take care of her. She has good moments too....don't get me wrong. There just weren't a lot of them this weekend.

So all of this puts me on edge....and I think I've fallen off a few times too. I've yelled, I've cried, I've tossed a toothbrush on the floor. Tony tries to help, he really does, but he has no clue. He has no idea of what I go through emotionally or what I feel responsible for. But of course he has his own opinion on those! I get very little done on the weekends because Tony doesn't like to do anything on the weekends. Which means I usually spend most of weekend taking care of her and driving around for two hours so she'll take a nap.

He keeps telling me there's really not that much to be done. He does the laundry on the weekends (I am thankful!) and some of the cleaning. What he means is there's not that much to do that matters to him. Let me give you an idea..........Dakota's room needs to be reorganized, the clothes sorted through and donated or sold or something. And then there's the letters that we've had for a year that still aren't painted. The guest bath needs to have the counters cleared out and the bathtub cleaned so Dakota can use the tub instead of the baby tub that she's really too big for. The hall closet needs to be reorganized and things thrown away. The guest room/office needs to have all the Christmas presents that are for next year put away, desk cleared off, closet with scrapbooking supplies organized, and my files are a disaster. Let's just say there's more piles than files. And that's only half the house!

Does ANYONE get this?

I understand that Dakota and Tony come first. I understand that a clean house really isn't that important. I understand that somewhere in this mess God has a plan for us. But I still have to make it all work. And I haven't the faintest clue how to do it. So I feel lost and confused and frustrated. And when I have a toddler who cries and whines most of the day, I feel really frustrated. We took rides today just so I didn't have to hear her cry anymore.

So now that I'm frustrated, I'm disappointed in myself because I can't handle it all. I can hand over the worries of the unknowns to God, but I'm not sure He can help me make dinner. :) And did I mention what a horrible mother I am because I don't know how to deal with my own child in my own home?

I'm going to start talking in circles soon. I'm thankful tomorrow is Monday and I get to go to work. My job and the people there are the biggest blessing. Dakota is off to daycare, which she doesn't want to leave at the end of the day anyway....yep, she likes the sitter better.

So I guess since Dakota whined and cried all day, I figure I deserve some whining time too. Lord, please help me pull myself and my family back together. Help me figure out how to manage it all. And find time for myself too. Please don't leave my side while I stuggle to make sense of it all. Only You can get me through.

Vacation Redefined

2007-10-11T19:55:00.000-07:00

We just got back from our first family vacation. It was fun to see all our family and friends. It was fun to get a break from the normal routine for a few days. But I'm not sure I would call it vacation! Tony and I would count things every time we changed buses, cars, or airplanes. Three bags, two backpacks, stroller, carseat, one baby. It was definitely a learning experience!

When I was little, vacation was about going different places, seeing new things, and visiting family. Becoming a teenager meant vacations were about sleeping late, staying up late, and hanging out. My twenties found vacations full of entertainment.....wherever we went, there had to be something to do. Now, well, now, vacations are different...at least for now. Having a one year old on vacation means life doesn't change, it's just in a different location. No sleeping in, no break from responsibility, not much relaxing. But the time spend with family and friends took over focus and all was enjoyable.

I realized that maybe vacations don't have to be trips out of state. Maybe they don't have to be planned outings that take up an entire day. Rather, if I change my perspective, I can have a vacation every day. I can take a vacation in the quiet car while I'm driving Dakota around so she can take a nap. I can enjoy vacation for the three hours I have to myself every Tuesday morning. Dakota can join me for vacation when we walk to the mailbox. The possibilities are endless this way! I can vacation in bed every night for an hour before I go to sleep!

As with most things, awareness is key to my newfound escapes. Realizing I have these times will allow me to enjoy them. Appreciating what is there only makes it better. Opening up for the possibilities that God can bring every day.........is better than vacation.

Rambling Wishes

2007-09-17T20:43:00.000-07:00

Whew! It's been quite the time lately. The last two months have passed by quickly and with many emotions. What else is new? It feels like I have less and less time and more and more to do. Dakota's teething, walking, and in the middle of everything. In other words, I spend more time now worrying that I'm being a good mom and that my little girl is learning to be "good", whatever that means. Dakota demands so much attention that I tend to ignore everything else. I get up when she does, and I go to bed right after she does. It's purely survival tactics. I don't even usually get out of my work clothes until after I eat dinner and she goes to bed. Good thing scrubs are comfy!

I'm happy with so much and yet there's so much more I want to work on. God has stayed by my side the last two months, even though the time I have spent with Him has lessened. Noticing my stress and frustration level increasing, I've made the conscious effort to spend more time with Him through music, reading and prayer. It never feels like enough. I wish I had more time to study the Bible..........I wish I had more time to learn......I wish I had more time to build stronger connections with people that God has recently placed in my life (more on that later)......I wish........I wish........I wish......I wish I felt ok with being the person I am right at this very moment. I am so thankful that God is always there and loving me each and every moment. I pray that He lead me not only in my actions, but in my thoughts. HE gets me through each day.....HE is the shining light in my baby's eyes......HE is the only one.

The Center of a Blur

2007-07-16T21:03:00.000-07:00

This is the first week in almost a year that I'm working outside the home for a full week. That's right - 5 days in a row. Basically from 8 to 5:00 every day, some days earlier, some days later. I'm already a little nervous (ok maybe more than a little) after finishing day one. Things were going great at work and then the phone call came.........Mary had an accident and thought she might have broken her jaw or gotten a concussion. Could Tony please pick Dakota up? Let the Daddy Duty begin! :) Tony only has two more weeks before he goes back to school, so I'm very thankful that he was around to go pick her up. Mary's doing ok, but we haven't heard whether day care is open for business tomorrow or not.

The afternoon was a blur at work we were so busy and short staffed. I got home to a screaming child who wouldn't eat for Daddy and a husband who was ready to run out the door. I pleaded for two minutes to use the bathroom and then took over dinner duty. And five minutes later Tony was out the door to "de-stress". Dakota's really teething today so her teeth didn't want to let her rest....it took a lot longer to get her to sleep tonight.

And we get to do this all over again tomorrow??? As a wise friend said, "tomorrow is a new day". He grants us that every minute, every day. Every minute is full of new possibilities. Just because today was like a zoo doesn't mean tomorrow will be. But in the middle of it all, peaceful or not, He's there with me. I don't want to forget to look up every once in a while to remind myself. It gets so crazy that the focus is on the crazy and not the true focus. Lord, help keep me centered by keeping you at my center!

Accept and Appreciate

2007-07-07T19:57:00.000-07:00

I've wanted to write for so many weeks and now that I have the chance my mind just went blank. My mother in law has been with us for almost three weeks now. As if keeping an 11 month old entertained wasn't enough! In the past I've often had a challenging relationship with her. My husband was a true momma's boy. Notice I say was? :) It was amazing to see Tony's center of life change once Dakota came along. Suddenly his family was first and foremost in everything.

Anyhoo, I prayed for weeks before she arrived, and since, for help in accepting and appreciating her. That's been my main desire. I don't think we'll ever have a warm fuzzy relationship like I see others have - and I've come to accept that that's ok. It used to be that whenever she came for a visit I would end up in tears numerous times. She doesn't realize it, but she's a very demanding person. Another factor is that she also acts about 80 even though she's only 62 due to some medical issues she had right after I met Tony. So I feel guilty whenever I get frustrated with her.

God's been by my side -- I've only been in tears once and she's only here for two more days. And our once a week outings where it was just the two of us were actually enjoyable. I know that it is only through Him that I have been able to get through these last three weeks and not have a heavy burden on my shoulders. I've been able to sit back, do what I need to do, and let her do whatever she needs to do. I still have guilt issues "Are you sure you don't want me to pay for Molly Maids?" or "I could've made a wig from all the dog hair I got when I dusted the end table." but I've been able to feel it, and then move on. In the past I felt it, hung on to it, and let the next one pile on top of it.

And I definitely have appreciated her this trip. Neither Tony or I have hardly cooked in the last three weeks. The dishes are always done. We didn't pay for groceries for two weeks. She's good with Dakota and wants to do anything and everything to help her. Sometimes her good intentions aren't the most helpful, but she always means well. I have to come up with a creative way to let her know that I really did appreciate all her help while she was here.

So in a few days I will have easier access to the computer and get reconnected to the world a bit more. Although by having her here staying in the guest room where the computer is actually made me spend more time with God. Now that can't be anything but a good thing!

God is Great!

2007-06-27T20:21:00.000-07:00

I don't have much time right now but wanted to post a few things I'm oh so thankful to God for.....

making Dakota feel better after being sick the first time
putting Mary in our lives to take care of Dakota (and us too!)
my Mom for teaching me how to communicate and care for older people
helping me hold my tongue rather than make matters worse
placing me in the right job with the right people at the perfect time
God being there for me always so that I'm never alone
the strength to do whatever I need to do each day to get through it
my husband for making sure we're always safe and secure
God reaching out to me and bringing me in closer when He knew it was right

He gets me through each and every day. Whenever I feel uncertain or doubtful I turn to Him knowing He is ready to listen at a moments notice. Thank You Lord for all Your Love!

Jesus In, Jesus Out

2007-06-17T20:04:00.001-07:00

Remember the saying "You are what you eat?" I've got a new one with the same idea - "Jesus In, Jesus Out". I've been trying to make a conscious effort to focus on God more in everyday life. For a while K-LOVE has been the only radio station I listen to, but there are lots of other areas awaiting improvement. Dakota and I take walks on the weekend and whenever I'm home in the morning. I have a specific point in our walk (where the sidewalk turns flat) where I talk to God. I give thanks as well as put in my special requests.

The biggest area I've noticed change in has been my reading material. The last two or three months I've started reading again. Usually about a book or so a week. I had some books by Christian authors I hadn't read and really enjoyed them. Then I picked up a trashy romance novel or two and zoomed through those. They were fun, but didn't get much out of them. Then I picked up a few more Christian fiction books and wow, have I noticed their impact! The positive characters full of faith and love that these authors create are so much more meaningful than any Danielle Steele novel (and who hasn't read those?). Some of the discussions they have with God make it seem like the author knew what I was thinking.

Regardless, I know this is another way God is reaching to me. I've been able to be more patient with Tony and Dakota lately. A little less irritable.....or maybe I'm just getting better at focusing on the important stuff. I'm ashamed to say that I don't read the Bible as often as I should. But I honestly feel like that's what is coming next. God is preparing me for something. Thankfully He's doing it one step at a time. I already know His timing is perfect, so I just have to follow His lead wherever it takes me. For now, I'm enjoying seeing what comes next.

Getting In the Groove

2007-06-11T20:08:00.000-07:00

Alright, I think we're getting this new schedule thing down! (Now that I've said that something is destined to come up!) Tony is stepping up a bit more picking up Dakota from daycare and even feeding her dinner. We've got Dakota down to nursing just first thing in the morning and taking a bottle to go to bed. I'm figuring out which things are easier to take care of the night before. Things like Dakota's clothes for the next day, figuring out what's for dinner, collecting anything I have to take to work with me.

Dakota is doing so well at daycare....which makes it a little easier to breathe. She's learning what music is...she now dances anytime she hears music...and sometime the music is just in her head and she dances anyway. She rolls around on the floor more playing without getting fussy as fast. We are so blessed to have Mary in our lives!

Although difficult, I think going back to work has been really good for me too. I miss my baby and talk about her all the time. But I can't tell you how much more valuable each minute that I spend with her is. It shouldn't be, but it's different now. I actually wanted Tony to stay home Sunday morning so I could take Dakota to Babies R Us all by myself!

Tony started teaching summer school today, but his schedule shouldn't change ours too much. This is starting to work out......this whole family-schedule-work-no rest thing. And I'm liking it!

Settling In

2007-06-04T20:20:00.000-07:00

Well, it's our second week of Mommy working and everyone is surviving so far. It's going to take us a few weeks to get used to new schedules and figure out what we're really doing. My guilt is starting to creep in a bit when I think about the fact that Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays Mary sees Dakota more than I do. So I try not to think about it. And yet I seem to actually have more patience with Dakota now that I'm away working. I know someplace in there it makes sense. And yes, I have another dose of guilt knowing that I'll also be taking her to daycare for a few hours on Thursdays, my day off. But I need time too! Right?

The job is going great. I'm enjoying the work and the people very much. Which is a huge relief that I don't have to stress about that part of life right now. My fixation now is getting myself, my husband, and Dakota used to a new schedule. And next week Tony starts teaching summer school for a month. And the week after that my mother-in-law comes to stay with us for THREE weeks. Arg, it's a bit overwhelming! I need to suddenly let go of some of the smaller things that in the grand scheme of things don't make that much of a difference. (What do you mean it was trash day and you didn't empty all the trashcans before you took the trash out?!) Breathe....Jesus loves me, this I know.........

All In A Day's Work

2007-05-31T20:33:00.000-07:00

Boy am I tired! After nine and a half months, I started back to work yesterday. It's a good tired. I think God definitely put me in the right spot for what I need. The people are wonderful, patient, and very helpful. The work is busy, but without a lot of stress (at least for now). Of course that doesn't mean there's no stress completely...................

Ten minutes after I got to my new job on Wednesday, my phone rang. It was day care...Dakota was sick with a fever. Yikes! She had a fever the day before but we chalked it up to teething. So a flurry of phone calls coordinated Daddy going to pick her up, giving Daddy a schedule to work with and setting a doctor's appointment. The office manager instantly offered to let me go for the day, but I couldn't do that on my first day! So I told her it would do Daddy good to take care of Dakota and we'd be fine. Of course that didn't stop me from constantly thinking and worrying about the situation. So I finally asked if I could just leave after lunch and she thought that was a grand idea. Family friendly! Yes, I am blessed!

So I met everyone at the doctor. No ear infection as initially thought, just a stuffy cold. Ok, we can deal with that! But the fever meant another day at home with Daddy. Uh oh. This was going to take some smooth talking. We got Daddy calmed down with a feeding schedule, lots of reassurance, and a quick trip to the casino to relieve some stress.

Daddy did great! And Dakota did too. I knew they would. But Tony had to find out for himself that he could do it. Maybe there was a plot somewhere in Dakota's getting sick. Anyhoo, they ran errands, went to McDonalds, took a walk, played and napped. I came home to lots of smiles. Tony said it was the longest day of his life. (Now he understands why we go shopping everyday!)

Everyone worked really hard and everyone survived. I feel slightly guilty for enjoying going back to work. But I feel very fortunte that no matter who Dakota is with - me, Daddy or at daycare with Mary - she is truly safe and happy. Next week starts my full schedule. I'm at 30 hours so that means Thursdays off and Tuesdays half days. More work next week figuiring out how dinner, bedtime, and everyday things like grocery shopping are going to get scheduled. But that's just the details. For once all the big stuff is in order. All in a Day's Work.

Am I missing the boat?

2007-05-25T19:41:00.000-07:00

I've been praying so hard lately for the right job to find me. Not just a job that is right for me, but also for Dakota and our family. Suddenly there were so many more things to take into consideration. What time would I have to get up to get Dakota and myself fed and ready to go? How long would I be without her each day? Are they going to throw a fit if there's a dr. appt or day without daycare? All these new factors were tiring within themselves. But I went on a few interviews and kept sending out resumes knowing that something would stick.

I prayed and I prayed that God bring the right job to me. I knew in His time everything would work out and I was ready to take whatever time it took to find the right situation. But then I got a call back from a dentist office wanting a working interview. And my heart sank....my indicator that it really wasn't what I wanted. But it's not just me I'm looking out for now, so I agreed to it. The call I really wanted was from the eye doctor's office. They were so nice at the interview, admitted to being family friendly and were willing to let me start part time and work up to full time. I agonized over and over the dentist office in my head. I finally called and canceled my daylong interview. I knew in the end that if I wasn't going to be happy myself, then chances are it wasn't going to work out for them or Dakota either. But was I turning down an opportunity that God had placed in front of me?

And then it happened....the eye doctor called back! Yea! I actually start next week. They're working on the schedule, but it sounds like I will be working 4 days a week. I have this feeling in my heart that this is where I'm supposed to be. Never mind that it's 40 minutes away, doesn't offer health insurance, and I'm taking yet another pay cut. Ok.....how sure do I feel about this again? But I prayed right? Yep, but how do I know I'm hearing God's answer?

Just to confuse things more, the day after I accepted the position, another place called wanting an interview. A place that is a half mile from my house. A position that probably offers health insurance, my own office, and a chance to actually use my degree. Arg! Did I miss it? Did I misread God's opportunity for choosing what I wanted? I kept going back to the joke that the little boy told in the movie "The Pursuit of Happyness". The jist of it is that a man who is drowning waves two rescue boats on by because he says God will save him. The man drowns and asks God in Heaven why He didn't save him? "I sent two boats," God replies.

I so want to do the right thing by choosing the right job. I'm scared to go back to work for various reasons. I've gone round and round with myself, with God, trying to figure it out. Am I missing the boat? How do we know which signs are for us? For know I'll continue to pray that I'm going the direction that God wants me to take. That will most help my family. Because suddenly it's not about health insurance and offices anymore.

The Carseat is Empty!

2007-05-22T14:11:00.000-07:00

I spent three hours at the mall yesterday with my friend Lauren -- three hours! And all without a stroller. Dakota was at daycare for most of the day. It's weird after all this time to keep looking in the rearview mirror and thinking I forgot the baby because she's not there. Or thinking that she's sleeping because it's so quiet. So instead of feeling foolish for talking to myself (Dakota is my main source of conversation), I called others while I drove to keep busy.

Lauren and I had a leisurely lunch......what, I don't have to scarf my food down just in case someone starts to get fussy?! Then we walked around the mall, browsing, buying and returning. I had to carry my own bags though, couldn't put them in the stroller. And I couldn't keep a drink handy in the stroller's cupholder. Of course I also had use of both of my hands for the entire afternoon!

So while it's nice to have some time to myself for a change, it's also taking some getting used to. I think it's a good lesson in striving to enjoy the moment I'm in. Enjoy the time I'm with Dakota, because she's cute and fun and I miss her when I'm not with her. And then enjoy the free mommy time because she's cute and fun and I miss her when I'm not with her.

Ok, I have to run a few more errands and go fill the carseat!

It's Daddy's Turn.....Almost

2007-05-20T22:28:00.000-07:00

I finally convinced Tony to start sharing in Dakota's bedttime routine with me getting ready to go back to work. Tonight was the first night and it was kind of funny to be the one in the other room overhearing things for a change. It started by my getting out Dakota's pajamas and putting them on the changing table. Then I left. Then I heard a lot of laughing and "Daddy's not very good at this." Apparently Tony thought he would just take Dakota's shirt off like he does his own -- just lifting her arms and trying to pull it off all at once. Ha! Then I heard "Mommy!". Which meant she had pooped. Daddy doesn't change poopy diapers. (Well, he really doesn't change any, but he WON'T change poopy ones unless stranded on an island) So we got that taken care of. I smiled as I watched Tony pick up the pajamas as I left the nursery -- he was turning them up and around trying to figure out which way they went. It took a few rounds of snapping to get it together right and we were on our way!

Dakota has two teeth that we just started brushing, so I told him tonight I would do it so he could see what we do. He laughed when Dakota opened her mouth on her own, ready for our toofies to be brushed. Storytime! Another 5 minutes I can scoot out into the kitchen and clean up. "Mommy! What ones do I read to her?" Well, you read all four that are on the stool and then you let her pick one of those four to read a second time. Ok, so I like to stretch bedtime out and she really can pick one on her own. It's pretty funny to watch. But his response was funny too. "ALL of them?" Yep!

So next time (Tuesday) Daddy will also be brushing teeth and trying a bottle. All of his questions and little goofs reminded me of everything I did with Dakota when we brought her home. Ok, so he's nine months behind......but I can't tell you how monumental it is to get this far. He told me today that he's still scared at the thought of taking care of her by himself. Which that admission in a calm voice is also pretty impressive for him. I realized after my mom left to go back to Michigan when Dakota was three weeks old, I had to figure things out on my own. There was no one to teach me. But I could do something better for Tony. I could help him learn how to take care of our daughter. The trick is to not let him know I'm doing it.