Pray. Listen. Peace.

I've been praying more. And listening. And searching. And listening more. The more I do those things, the more I hear God speak to me. Not to everyone else. Just to me. I know this to be true. Because the things I hear wouldn't hold the same meaning for someone else. I don't always know if I'm asking the right question. Or hearing the answer I'm supposed to hear. But either way, I know God knows. And even not knowing the answers myself, I still feel peace knowing He is there to take away the doubt, pain, fear, and uncertainty.

While the relationship I have with God strengthens, it also makes obvious the holes in other relationships. I can see the possibilities with God as my partner. Then I take notice of the opportunities for myself and others to honor Him in daily choices. Choices of words, actions, and attitudes.

Many times at work there are so many things to do, I literally don't know where to start. I've devised a question I ask myself to point me in the right direction -- what can I do first that will most benefit the patients? Usually that narrows things down pretty quickly. So when things get overwhelming in life, maybe I need to pose a different question -- what can I do first that will most please God?

Sounds Under Water

I see her and I remember. I remember the feeling. The sound of peace underwater. The echo. The silence. The woosh of finger ripples that no one else could hear. Does she hear the same thing? Does it make her feel the same way? I remember going to a place only found under the water. The sounds that were only heard there. She is mine in so many ways. There is a special bond not understood by all. We hear the same thing. It is a place where only we can go.

A Flash of Light

There's no doubt about it. Times have been challenging lately. Dakota is very two - and with me being almost 38, I sometimes wonder what I'm doing trying this parenthood thing. I pray and pray for it to get easier. For the crying and whining to lessen. (Mine and hers!) But it's where we're at right now and I'm thankful that's all we have to deal with where Dakota is concerned.

But God gave me a bright flash of light to remember on Sunday. After naptime I decided it was time to get out of the house. So we ventured outside with a bucket of sidewalk chalk, my new best friend. I sat on the sidewalk as she drew and we chatted. It's so fun to be able to start having conversations with her. At one point she came and crawled in my lap, leaned back and said "Songs, Mommy!" So I asked her what she wanted to hear and was told "Donald" (aka Old McDonald) So she picked out a few animals and we sang a few verses. Then I asked for her another animal. "Uhhhhhhh......dinosaur!" So the dinosaurs on the farm went "rahr!" Did you know old McDonald also had giraffes, peoples, and snakes? It was a surprise to me too.

Things got hard again in the afternoon. And things at work today were very challenging. But my little flash of light was there when I needed it to remember that goodness is still there in the darkness. That it won't be this way forever. That He is listening.

Thank you God for listening. Thank you for showing me the light in the darkness, even if for a brief moment. Please stay by our side as we face each new day. Amen.

Puzzle Pieces

As I was driving the nap drive today, I went to call my mom and there was no signal. Sometimes there is and sometimes there isn't way in the middle of the desert of Stanfield. But, with the analogy that followed, I knew there was no signal today for a reason.

My life feels like a picture puzzle. All in pieces and all scattered about. I once knew what the picture looked like when it was whole and in one piece. But now I'm not so sure. The only thing that I am sure of is that Dakota and I are on the same piece someplace. We will always be on the same piece of the puzzle.

I want to put it together so fast so I know what the picture actually looks like. What the end result will be. Who will be in the picture? Where will it be located? What will the surroundings look like? How will I feel and look? I came to the realization somewhere after passing the third dairy farm that God is the only one who can put the pieces together. He's the only one who can reshape them and make them fit together again.

This was the perfect image for me, because a broken puzzle is EXACTLY how I feel right now. I have a card on my magnet board that says something like "Trade Your Pieces for Gods Peace". I'm not sure how the pieces are going to come together again. Some days it feels like they actually get scattered further apart instead of closer together.

Hey.....isn't it easier when you start with a corner piece? Something with a strong foundation to build on? If I keep trying to fit all the pieces to that one Main Piece, maybe it will come together. In His time. And the picture will be His too.

p.s. Had to share a cute pic I got of Dakota eating an apple today. She's always eating but as skinny as a stick. I'm not sure whose child she is!

Not Thinking, Just Feeling

I'm a big bunch of feelings today. I'm not thinking, just feeling. Can't think through things, just feel them. And all the tears that have been shed are a result of it. Some moments I feel like I have everything in the world that I could ever want. The next minute I can't figure out how I got to where I am and why.

The financial challenges continue to be thrown our way. Apparently more than I even have been told originally. My trust is down, my guard is up. And then there's the sweet little two year old that needs me every minute of the day when she's not screaming to avoid getting buckled in a carseat or throwing a kicking temper tantrum outside of the grocery store. I need her too, more than ever. But when her screaming fits happen at the same time as mine, watch out!

There's a plan, I just don't know what it is yet. I pray to not yell at Dakota. I pray to hold my tongue with Tony. I pray to make all this mess go away and start again, no matter how poor or how little we might have. I pray for a simpler life.

The feelings are on top. I can look at it from one angle and say it brings me closer to God - feeling things instead of thinking about them. I have to ask for Him more. I have to reach out to Him more. Usually it results in tears of "I don't know what to do anymore", which helps me give it over to Him.

Somehow it will work out. Somehow things will be resolved. Someday we will be able to move forward. Until then.....

The Hidden Problem

Yep, it's been a while. It's been a hectic holiday season that had a lot of stress included. I'll skip most of the gory details. Let's just say this....I started reading Love Dare and while Tony's behavior hasn't changed much, it's been easier to handle. But that's not even what this is about.

This is about me having to tell the world (or at least the part of the world that might see this) of my problem. A problem that is full of shame. A problem that didn't start out as a problem, but has gotten worse. The only way I can even try to fix it is to shout it from the rooftops, pray really hard for forgiveness, and hand everything over to Him.

I had never really gambled until I met Tony. He went a few times a month and we started dating it was a fun date night. Should it be a surprise we got married in Vegas? When Dakota was born, we rarely had the chance to go out together. So we started going on our own, individually. Tony would go one night, I would go another. The nearest casino is five minutes from our house. It was a stress reliever. It was a way to get out. It was a way to not have to think for a while.

Again, it started out fun. I'd go a while and then go home. Then I didn't want to go home...so I spent more so I didn't have to. Sometimes I have to look at my bank account to find out how much I spent, I zone it out that much. It's a mixed blessing that my bank account has a line of credit for overdraft protection. I've juggled paychecks and fibbed to my husband often.

I've prayed. I've asked for help. And I've heard Him talk to me in the car when I'm on the way there. I promise Him I'll be able to do better this time....and then I fail again and again. I don't remember the scripture I saw recently but it roughly said something about those that believe in God but still follow Satan. There's so much other stuff we're dealing with right now.....why am I doing this to myself?

I came home tonight and tried to talk to Tony. I told him I wanted to get my account straightened out and close it so we only have one bank account. I WANT accountability. I WANT to be afraid to spend too much. I WANT to work together on the finances. But Tony being Tony, he can't calmly talk or listen about anything. After trying to give him a very sketchy outline of tonight's events, he started getting upset. And when he gets upset, he starts talking to me like I'm a child. So I ended the conversation and came in here to write.

I knew I had to get it out. So there, I said it. To someone. To anyone. I've done horrible things. I'm made horrible choices, knowingly. I'm ashamed to write this, to have people I know read this, but I know I have to. Even now, I'm leaving out a few details.

There's so much, I don't even know what to ask to pray for. Just pray.

Girl's Weekend

Tony went away last weekend and Dakota and I had girl time. She was a bit cranky on Friday night and Saturday, so we stuck fairly close to home. But Sunday we went to the zoo and had a lot of fun! We had lots of little toy surprises to pull out here and there to keep things interesting. She's definitely a Momma's girl....which is ok with me right now. Here's some pics of the fun!

We watched a lot of Elmo and snuggled on the couch.......

And colored with new crayons and coloring books...............

And played outside with bubbles......................

And had lots of fun at the zoo! We had a lot of firsts: first carousel ride, first hand painting, first time nose to nose with a monkey (with glass inbetween). We even did one of those little photo booth pictures that make you look horrible, but they're so much fun!



Yep, we had lots of fun. The more time I spend with Dakota, the more I fall in love with her. Even though she can be quite the stinker, she is a very sweet girl and has a smile that melts your heart.