What Am I Doing?

I'm starting to think my child doesn't like me. Or my husband. Or our home. Every time we're home, she cries and screams. It's not fun anymore. Everyone is on edge because you can only take a screaming child who is screaming for no reason for so long. Well, I'm sure there's a reason, but she's not sharing.

Is it because she's two? Are her molars coming in? Does she have tummy problems? I think it's yes to all of the above. She gets up 1-2 hours in the middle of the night every night now. She sleeps in her bed half the night and won't go back in. We had to move to a toddler bed, because she figured out how to climb out of the crib. So we bought Elmo sheets and bedding today in an attempt to make bed more "fun" and "likeable".

During the middle of the day she seems to be fairly ok. Four or five o'clock rolls around and it's duck and cover. I want to run away. My husband deals with it worse than I do and ends up behaving just as bad as the two year old. She wants something, you get it, and then she doesn't want it. Either option results in tears and shouts.

We're going through a half gallon of milk every two days because that's the only way I can get her to calm down at night. And at 2 a.m. I'm in survival mode at this point. I know almost all of the Elmo "Potty" video by heart now because it's another cure all.

My husband's convinced that something is wrong because this can't be just from being two or having molars come in. I don't know what to think at this point. All I know is I end up in tears alot. My daughter can be the most precious gift in one moment and ten seconds later I'm ready to UPS her to Michigan to live with her Gram.

Now I'm suspicious of a food allergy. Can a food allergy make a baby go off the deep end? She had a hive on her face tonight. I wondered if it was from her being worked up or a reaction to something. So I frantically put together a tracking sheet to monitor food, sleep, meds and behavior to see if I could notice any patterns.

Ha! She literally just spend a half hour rolling around the floor screaming, not letting us touch her. The way she moved I could tell it was her tummy. I'm definitely thinking milk may be in the running as the cause. Looks like I'll be calling the doctor's office Monday morning. After getting her calmed down, we drank some apple juice and off she went again. So she's back in bed....for now. Which is where I should head since it might be another hour when I get a wake up call.

Any and all comments are welcome.

Loud, Noisy Trucks

Dakota has started this new daily ritual that we have to walk to the mailbox. It's become kind of fun watching her run down the sidewalk, and try and balance on the curb. Yesterday I think it took us 15 minutes to walk 10 houses, each house had something different to stop and look at or try and do (like banging on a for sale sign with a rock). This morning there were more trucks and buses out than there are in the evenings when we usually take our walks. And God used the moment as a lesson.

Everytime Dakota hear a loud truck or one drove past, she would immediately turn to me and grab my hand. If she was ahead of me, she would run back. She needed reassurance that the loud noise wasn't going to get her and she would be all right. And I was there. Everytime.

I've got lots of "loud, noisy trucks" in my life right now. What a great opportunity He used to remind me that He is there for me too. Everytime. And He will reassure me that all will be well. He's there for me to turn to all the time, no matter when a "truck" drives by. I might be scared by the noise....but He will hold my hand and walk with me.

Thank you Lord, for reminding me that as I watch over Dakota, you watch over me. I am never alone and you faithfully will be by my side. Please continue to hold my hand as our family works toward a new life together. Keep us together in Your arms as we search for understanding on how to move forward with so many new changes. Thank you for the support You give us and for that which you give us through friends. Amen.

Hitting the Wall

I've got so much running around in my brain....I'm not sure I can come up with coherent thoughts. Excuse my ramblings......I just need to get a few things out.

Like many people, we've been having a hard time financially. We've finally hit the wall and don't have too many options. Big changes are going to have to be made - credit cards are being shredded and the poop guy is outta here. But it's a lot more than that. The way we're used to living, the way we've made decisions, the way we've thought about and spent money....all has to drastically change.

I'm thankful that we're all healthy and our house and cars are staying in place. I know it could be much much worse. But my reality is being forced to be changed and I'm scared. In the end, I know this will result in a positive. Tony and I are being forced to work together. We're having to be open and honest with each other. And we're having to re-examine our priorities. (Is it really important to have the shampoo you've been using for 20 years, or can you use one of the 5 bottles that is already purchased?) I have faith that everything will end up ok and God will get us through.....and maybe there will be an opportunity for Tony to find more faith.

I try to keep a smile on my face, but my patience is not there right now. Especially at home. I'm quick to get frustrated and easily irritated. I know this is taxing on everyone.....but life still moves on. There's still babies to feed, trash to take out, things to do. I'd love nothing more than to have a few hours to do nothing but hide in bed.....but I don't see that happening for another 15 years.

Please pray for us. That finances get resolved, that we work together and support each other, that Dakota's "two-ish-ness" doesn't push me over the mommy edge, that God takes us where we are supposed to be.

It's a Love Fest!

My dear friend Karen over at Surviving Motherhood gave me the nicest blog award this week. I'm displaying it proudly. Thanks friend!

Karen is also getting ready to release her new book "Finding Joy: More Confessions of an Irritable Mother." Click here to find out how you can win your own copy. Karen and her words have been an inspiration to me daily. Anyone who reads her blogs and/or books has an extra angel on their side.

Ok, so back to the award.....I'm supposed to pass it on......so here goes.

Emily at According to Em - A wonderful preschool teacher who has become a dear friend. I know God brought us together so we would have each other to lean on and encourage.

Nana Reese at House of Whimsy - Ok, so she happens to be Emily's mom. But she's one of the best Nana's in the world! And her blog is so fun to look at if you like to be creative.

Now, for you recipients of this award, here's the deal:

• Display your award.
• Link back to the person who gave you the award.
• Nominate other blogs.
• Put links to those blogs on yours.
• Leave a message on the blogs of the people you've nominated.
• Enjoy your award!
  

Have a good day girls. God will get us through day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute.

Witnessing to Frito

Considering where my brain has been at lately, this holiday weekend was fun. I got to go out with my friend. I got to play with my baby. And we went out to the park for an outing as a family.

One of the moments that brought a smile to my face today was when Dakota started witnessing to the dog. Frito never knew what hit him. Dakota found one of those little Bibles that only has the New Testament and some Psalms in it. She brought it to me and I told her it was a special book and she had to be very soft with it. After flipping through the pages carefully she decided to share the good book with Frito.

Frito is right at eye level for Dakota when he lies on the couch. She walked up to him, book in hand and started reading to him. I was smiling on the outside and rolling with laughter on the inside. She would read to Frito, turn a page and read some more, all with the book touching Frito's nose.

Something distracted her and the Book was put aside for a while. Later in the evening she brought it to me, sat in my lap and said "read". Where was I to start? Something short that might keep her attention for 30 seconds. They had the Lord's Prayer on one page, so we said that. That seemed to satisfy her.

The Book now lives in the book bucket with the rest. I'm sure it will get pulled out again. Watch out Frito, she's not done with you yet!

God is Bigger than the Boogeyman

Dakota found my Junior Asparagus Veggie Tales stuffed toy this week. When you squeeze it, his eyes light up and he sings the chorus from "God is Bigger than the Boogeyman". She thinks it's fun....I think it's a reminder that has good timing.

There's been a few "boogeys" lurking out there this week. Mostly in my head. But they had planted themselves firmly in my brain to change my outlook on reality for a few days. First it starts with me and how I go about dealing with "boogeys"....then it spreads to being able to deal with a whiney two year old and a not-so-motivated husband. The standard snowball effect.

When it was its worst, God used a friend to hug me. I felt it. And from that point it started getting better a little at a time. This whole two year old behavior is new and challenging. Especially when I get home exhausted after working. Many nights I fall asleep sitting or standing while I'm trying to put Dakota to sleep. So my patience isn't always top of the line.

Oddly enough, Tony actually showed me, without knowing it, some ways to handle her today. I tried to ignore it and just have fun. We painted toe nails. We made a fort out of a card table and blanket. She's getting bigger and I'm anxious to play with her.

I need to get my own brain back on track on taking care of myself. It doesn't feel like I have the time for that luxury these days. Food has become the enemy again which means I'm eating more of it and not the good stuff. I don't want to give up, but I don't know how to keep going, if that makes any sense.

I'm so thankful God doesn't give up on me, even when I've given up on myself. That even after I've made bad choices, He's there to help me make it through the next crossroads. I try and look for the moments of light that he provides to remind me that all will be ok. Gracie was telling Dakota goodbye this week in the car while I was talking to Emily.....she yells out, "Penny, your car is messy just like mine!" Emily and I looked at each other and just burst out laughing. Gracie is always ready to provide a moment of light, even when it feels really dark.

I pray for time, space, peace of mind and wisdom to take care of myself. If I can get to that point, I think some of the rest will become easier. I guess it's not supposed to be easy.....but it can still be meaningful.

Do Over

Tomorrow starts a whole new week. I'm looking at it that way for many reasons. Apparently I had to fall hard last week to be able to get back up again. I guess in a way God showed me how much I really need Him. Well, I listened. And listened, and listened. I found new means of help. I want to listen to music all the time. It's so uplifting....I'd listen to it at work if they let me. It was a real saving grace last week when all felt wrong.

And then there was my friend, Emily. Who even though we didn't see each other when it was the worst, her being there made it better. She told me she cared. She understood what I was going through, even at times when I didn't think I did. Good things come to those who wait. Emily and her entire family were worth the wait.

So on to the new week. A time to start over. A time to try again. A time to not give up. Remembering that I'm never alone. Remembering that what I do is important. Remembering that God is all around me every moment.