Puzzle Pieces

As I was driving the nap drive today, I went to call my mom and there was no signal. Sometimes there is and sometimes there isn't way in the middle of the desert of Stanfield. But, with the analogy that followed, I knew there was no signal today for a reason.

My life feels like a picture puzzle. All in pieces and all scattered about. I once knew what the picture looked like when it was whole and in one piece. But now I'm not so sure. The only thing that I am sure of is that Dakota and I are on the same piece someplace. We will always be on the same piece of the puzzle.

I want to put it together so fast so I know what the picture actually looks like. What the end result will be. Who will be in the picture? Where will it be located? What will the surroundings look like? How will I feel and look? I came to the realization somewhere after passing the third dairy farm that God is the only one who can put the pieces together. He's the only one who can reshape them and make them fit together again.

This was the perfect image for me, because a broken puzzle is EXACTLY how I feel right now. I have a card on my magnet board that says something like "Trade Your Pieces for Gods Peace". I'm not sure how the pieces are going to come together again. Some days it feels like they actually get scattered further apart instead of closer together.

Hey.....isn't it easier when you start with a corner piece? Something with a strong foundation to build on? If I keep trying to fit all the pieces to that one Main Piece, maybe it will come together. In His time. And the picture will be His too.

p.s. Had to share a cute pic I got of Dakota eating an apple today. She's always eating but as skinny as a stick. I'm not sure whose child she is!

Not Thinking, Just Feeling

I'm a big bunch of feelings today. I'm not thinking, just feeling. Can't think through things, just feel them. And all the tears that have been shed are a result of it. Some moments I feel like I have everything in the world that I could ever want. The next minute I can't figure out how I got to where I am and why.

The financial challenges continue to be thrown our way. Apparently more than I even have been told originally. My trust is down, my guard is up. And then there's the sweet little two year old that needs me every minute of the day when she's not screaming to avoid getting buckled in a carseat or throwing a kicking temper tantrum outside of the grocery store. I need her too, more than ever. But when her screaming fits happen at the same time as mine, watch out!

There's a plan, I just don't know what it is yet. I pray to not yell at Dakota. I pray to hold my tongue with Tony. I pray to make all this mess go away and start again, no matter how poor or how little we might have. I pray for a simpler life.

The feelings are on top. I can look at it from one angle and say it brings me closer to God - feeling things instead of thinking about them. I have to ask for Him more. I have to reach out to Him more. Usually it results in tears of "I don't know what to do anymore", which helps me give it over to Him.

Somehow it will work out. Somehow things will be resolved. Someday we will be able to move forward. Until then.....

The Hidden Problem

Yep, it's been a while. It's been a hectic holiday season that had a lot of stress included. I'll skip most of the gory details. Let's just say this....I started reading Love Dare and while Tony's behavior hasn't changed much, it's been easier to handle. But that's not even what this is about.

This is about me having to tell the world (or at least the part of the world that might see this) of my problem. A problem that is full of shame. A problem that didn't start out as a problem, but has gotten worse. The only way I can even try to fix it is to shout it from the rooftops, pray really hard for forgiveness, and hand everything over to Him.

I had never really gambled until I met Tony. He went a few times a month and we started dating it was a fun date night. Should it be a surprise we got married in Vegas? When Dakota was born, we rarely had the chance to go out together. So we started going on our own, individually. Tony would go one night, I would go another. The nearest casino is five minutes from our house. It was a stress reliever. It was a way to get out. It was a way to not have to think for a while.

Again, it started out fun. I'd go a while and then go home. Then I didn't want to go home...so I spent more so I didn't have to. Sometimes I have to look at my bank account to find out how much I spent, I zone it out that much. It's a mixed blessing that my bank account has a line of credit for overdraft protection. I've juggled paychecks and fibbed to my husband often.

I've prayed. I've asked for help. And I've heard Him talk to me in the car when I'm on the way there. I promise Him I'll be able to do better this time....and then I fail again and again. I don't remember the scripture I saw recently but it roughly said something about those that believe in God but still follow Satan. There's so much other stuff we're dealing with right now.....why am I doing this to myself?

I came home tonight and tried to talk to Tony. I told him I wanted to get my account straightened out and close it so we only have one bank account. I WANT accountability. I WANT to be afraid to spend too much. I WANT to work together on the finances. But Tony being Tony, he can't calmly talk or listen about anything. After trying to give him a very sketchy outline of tonight's events, he started getting upset. And when he gets upset, he starts talking to me like I'm a child. So I ended the conversation and came in here to write.

I knew I had to get it out. So there, I said it. To someone. To anyone. I've done horrible things. I'm made horrible choices, knowingly. I'm ashamed to write this, to have people I know read this, but I know I have to. Even now, I'm leaving out a few details.

There's so much, I don't even know what to ask to pray for. Just pray.

Girl's Weekend

Tony went away last weekend and Dakota and I had girl time. She was a bit cranky on Friday night and Saturday, so we stuck fairly close to home. But Sunday we went to the zoo and had a lot of fun! We had lots of little toy surprises to pull out here and there to keep things interesting. She's definitely a Momma's girl....which is ok with me right now. Here's some pics of the fun!

We watched a lot of Elmo and snuggled on the couch.......

And colored with new crayons and coloring books...............

And played outside with bubbles......................

And had lots of fun at the zoo! We had a lot of firsts: first carousel ride, first hand painting, first time nose to nose with a monkey (with glass inbetween). We even did one of those little photo booth pictures that make you look horrible, but they're so much fun!



Yep, we had lots of fun. The more time I spend with Dakota, the more I fall in love with her. Even though she can be quite the stinker, she is a very sweet girl and has a smile that melts your heart.

No More "Ring Ring" Bling

I did something this evening that was very easy to do, but had more significance to me than anyone would understand. And it may sound funny, but I took the "bling" off my phone. I have a pink cell phone and about a year ago had found pink and white "jewels" to adorn it. Maybe it was my attempt to fit in or feel younger. Maybe it was an attempt to be trendy and fun. But for whatever reason, they've been there.

Many people have commented on them. They were very flashy! And the other day as I was thinking about what was important.....I suddenly didn't want them anymore. With or without the sparkles, my phone was still my phone. It functioned just fine all on it's own without any need to play dress up.

So while my daughter took her bath tonight, I picked them off, one at a time. The phone needs to be cleaned up a little, it was still kind of shiny under all that glitz. But it's not a fashion statement, it's not going to make my life easier when I could use 4 more hours in a day. I don't want the extras anymore. I don't want the "stuff" that's just "stuff" for the purpose of being "stuff".

Maybe I can take some of my own "sparkles" off too. Maybe I can get my haircut as short as I want without worrying what others might think. Maybe I can get rid of knick knacks that just collect dust. Maybe I can make some house/yard decisions on my own instead of trying to be the "nice" wife who waits patiently. I might find more of me under the glitter as it comes off piece by piece.

I'm so thankful God knows whats underneath the fake glitter. I'm so glad He's willing to clean us off after we peel it off, piece by piece. It can be scary taking off the shiny pieces of "expectations", "status builders", and "ego boosters". But underneath it all, we're still just who we are. God loves us for that and we should be able to love ourselves for that too.

And the Hugs Continue

The Free Hugs continue! The sign that I saw last week was put there to help me open my eyes to the hugs that God gives me everyday. Since then, I have been much more aware of God hugging me in many different ways. Sometimes it in the kind words of a co-worker, sometimes it's in the actual hug from my child, sometimes it's in helping me be patient, and sometimes it's even in seeing a beautiful picture or design.

Dakota was sick this weekend with tummy flu (read urp!) and allergies (read random hives). But through it all, she gave me lots of hugs. And it's even better when she says "Momma hugs" when she does it. Today we thanked God together (ok, so I did most of the talking) for His giving us to each other.

Yes, the hugs continue............

"Free Hugs"

Everything fell together the way it was supposed to so I could see this one sign. Dakota and I were going for a nap drive on Sunday. I pulled in the shopping center to get a soda for the drive. I didn't turn one way to get to Jack in the Box because a car was blocking the way, so I had to go straight. And there she sat. A sweet looking woman, probably in her 50's, sitting in a lawn chair on the corner holding a sign. "Free Hugs"

The sign made my day. It gave me hope. It reminded me that people do care. Here was this woman spending time on a Sunday offering hope to complete strangers. I went through the drive thru, got my soda, and purposely drove by her again. I rolled down my window and thanked her for making me smile. "You're very welcome" she said with a warm smile.

As I drove for the next hour my thoughts kept returning to the woman and her sign. I know God used her to reach me and wonder how many others He touched through her. He is always there ready to offer free hugs. Anytime of day, any situation, as much as we need. I need to remember this when I'm feeling lonely or struggling to cope.

God is always there ready to give hugs. And if drive the right way on Sundays, there might be a nice woman who is willing too.


**Update** -- Update to my last post: Dakota is still struggling at night time, but I'm not sure it's just the milk. We went to a birthday party that weekend and apparently the entire family who's house we were at ended up with the flu. And the little one that's Dakota's age had the exact same symptoms for two weeks. I think her tummy is getting better.....but getting her to stay in her bed is still our biggest challenge!