Sunday, January 27, 2008

My Whining Time

I'm going to preface this post by saying that I need to vent. And knowing that I need to vent means I know in reality everything isn't as bad as it feels this moment. That's probably part of the reason why I haven't written in over three because my intention with this blog was to stay upbeat and positive. And the weather has been stormy for the last few months around the Dolata household. I'm not sure why I feel like I have to apologize....we all feel things, right?

Dakota is 18 months old going on two. Yes, the temper tantrums and crying have started. If she doesn't get what she wants, she'll stand there and cry for five minutes. She screams and fusses every time you try to buckle her in a carseat or highchair. And I think she just cries for no reason at all. Did I mention she also has three teeth coming in at the same time? She won't let me do anything to/for her. I started questioning why God gave me this beautiful little girl if I can't take care of her. She has good moments too....don't get me wrong. There just weren't a lot of them this weekend.

So all of this puts me on edge....and I think I've fallen off a few times too. I've yelled, I've cried, I've tossed a toothbrush on the floor. Tony tries to help, he really does, but he has no clue. He has no idea of what I go through emotionally or what I feel responsible for. But of course he has his own opinion on those! I get very little done on the weekends because Tony doesn't like to do anything on the weekends. Which means I usually spend most of weekend taking care of her and driving around for two hours so she'll take a nap.

He keeps telling me there's really not that much to be done. He does the laundry on the weekends (I am thankful!) and some of the cleaning. What he means is there's not that much to do that matters to him. Let me give you an idea..........Dakota's room needs to be reorganized, the clothes sorted through and donated or sold or something. And then there's the letters that we've had for a year that still aren't painted. The guest bath needs to have the counters cleared out and the bathtub cleaned so Dakota can use the tub instead of the baby tub that she's really too big for. The hall closet needs to be reorganized and things thrown away. The guest room/office needs to have all the Christmas presents that are for next year put away, desk cleared off, closet with scrapbooking supplies organized, and my files are a disaster. Let's just say there's more piles than files. And that's only half the house!

Does ANYONE get this?

I understand that Dakota and Tony come first. I understand that a clean house really isn't that important. I understand that somewhere in this mess God has a plan for us. But I still have to make it all work. And I haven't the faintest clue how to do it. So I feel lost and confused and frustrated. And when I have a toddler who cries and whines most of the day, I feel really frustrated. We took rides today just so I didn't have to hear her cry anymore.

So now that I'm frustrated, I'm disappointed in myself because I can't handle it all. I can hand over the worries of the unknowns to God, but I'm not sure He can help me make dinner. :) And did I mention what a horrible mother I am because I don't know how to deal with my own child in my own home?

I'm going to start talking in circles soon. I'm thankful tomorrow is Monday and I get to go to work. My job and the people there are the biggest blessing. Dakota is off to daycare, which she doesn't want to leave at the end of the day anyway....yep, she likes the sitter better.

So I guess since Dakota whined and cried all day, I figure I deserve some whining time too. Lord, please help me pull myself and my family back together. Help me figure out how to manage it all. And find time for myself too. Please don't leave my side while I stuggle to make sense of it all. Only You can get me through.