Saturday, January 17, 2009

The Hidden Problem

Yep, it's been a while. It's been a hectic holiday season that had a lot of stress included. I'll skip most of the gory details. Let's just say this....I started reading Love Dare and while Tony's behavior hasn't changed much, it's been easier to handle. But that's not even what this is about.

This is about me having to tell the world (or at least the part of the world that might see this) of my problem. A problem that is full of shame. A problem that didn't start out as a problem, but has gotten worse. The only way I can even try to fix it is to shout it from the rooftops, pray really hard for forgiveness, and hand everything over to Him.

I had never really gambled until I met Tony. He went a few times a month and we started dating it was a fun date night. Should it be a surprise we got married in Vegas? When Dakota was born, we rarely had the chance to go out together. So we started going on our own, individually. Tony would go one night, I would go another. The nearest casino is five minutes from our house. It was a stress reliever. It was a way to get out. It was a way to not have to think for a while.

Again, it started out fun. I'd go a while and then go home. Then I didn't want to go I spent more so I didn't have to. Sometimes I have to look at my bank account to find out how much I spent, I zone it out that much. It's a mixed blessing that my bank account has a line of credit for overdraft protection. I've juggled paychecks and fibbed to my husband often.

I've prayed. I've asked for help. And I've heard Him talk to me in the car when I'm on the way there. I promise Him I'll be able to do better this time....and then I fail again and again. I don't remember the scripture I saw recently but it roughly said something about those that believe in God but still follow Satan. There's so much other stuff we're dealing with right now.....why am I doing this to myself?

I came home tonight and tried to talk to Tony. I told him I wanted to get my account straightened out and close it so we only have one bank account. I WANT accountability. I WANT to be afraid to spend too much. I WANT to work together on the finances. But Tony being Tony, he can't calmly talk or listen about anything. After trying to give him a very sketchy outline of tonight's events, he started getting upset. And when he gets upset, he starts talking to me like I'm a child. So I ended the conversation and came in here to write.

I knew I had to get it out. So there, I said it. To someone. To anyone. I've done horrible things. I'm made horrible choices, knowingly. I'm ashamed to write this, to have people I know read this, but I know I have to. Even now, I'm leaving out a few details.

There's so much, I don't even know what to ask to pray for. Just pray.

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