Saturday, January 31, 2009

Not Thinking, Just Feeling

I'm a big bunch of feelings today. I'm not thinking, just feeling. Can't think through things, just feel them. And all the tears that have been shed are a result of it. Some moments I feel like I have everything in the world that I could ever want. The next minute I can't figure out how I got to where I am and why.

The financial challenges continue to be thrown our way. Apparently more than I even have been told originally. My trust is down, my guard is up. And then there's the sweet little two year old that needs me every minute of the day when she's not screaming to avoid getting buckled in a carseat or throwing a kicking temper tantrum outside of the grocery store. I need her too, more than ever. But when her screaming fits happen at the same time as mine, watch out!

There's a plan, I just don't know what it is yet. I pray to not yell at Dakota. I pray to hold my tongue with Tony. I pray to make all this mess go away and start again, no matter how poor or how little we might have. I pray for a simpler life.

The feelings are on top. I can look at it from one angle and say it brings me closer to God - feeling things instead of thinking about them. I have to ask for Him more. I have to reach out to Him more. Usually it results in tears of "I don't know what to do anymore", which helps me give it over to Him.

Somehow it will work out. Somehow things will be resolved. Someday we will be able to move forward. Until then.....

2 comments:

M.L. @ The House of Whimsy said...

Hi Penny,
I had to come over to get my Dacota fix. I LOVED the pix at the Zoo!!
I'm sure you know very well the scripture, "Be still and know that I am God." It sounds to me you are always trying to practice it.
One of the things I admire most about you is that you are always looking to God for your answers. Never give up, and they will all eventually come. I know it is hard sometimes to "wait upon the Lord", but that is where the real peace is found.
Take care,
M.L.

Irritable Mother said...

Somehow. Someday.
Yes, you're right. And you also sound like you were in my head during the post I wrote just a couple hours ago. It will be published tonight about midnight.
Come and see. And I pray God will encourage your heart.