God Hugged Me Tonight

God hugged me tonight. I physically felt his presence through Dakota while I was rocking her to sleep. She put her arms around my neck and her head on my shoulder and I knew. I knew God was using this beautiful little girl to hug me. It felt amazing. Uplifting, hopeful, peaceful. All things I haven't felt in a long time due to some life events.

But God and my baby just told me we would get through. Everything will be ok because they love me. Tomorrow we can start over again. And they will be there for me. And there will be more hugs. More hope. More peace.

It's a Numbers Game

I've been sick for 5 weeks now. I've been to urgent care once, my doctor twice and am on my fourth round of antibiotics. Dakota's been sick for two weeks. She's been to the doctor three times in one month. Tony's been sick for one week and been to the doctor once. (I'm still wondering how he got out so good) Number of times in the last two weeks I've slept without a baby in amy arms all night....ZERO! :)

I have to focus on one thing at a time now, even though it's going to take a hundred times longer to get where I want to be. I've got to get Dakota better first. She slept the most part of 24 hours straight and woke up a new baby. Well, not THAT new....she's back to being cranky, which means she's on her way back to normal. I've prayed so hard that that little body just get stronger. Once I can get her back on a regular schedule and back in daycare full time, I can focus on the next step.

Getting me better. I'm not sure how that's going to happen or how long it's going to take. Every time I stop taking medicine my cold comes back and gets worse. So next week should be interesting. But only after I get my strength back can I really move forward. There's so much I want to do and I just don't have the energy.

I pray that God continues to carry us forward. Everytime I don't think I can go any further, something else happens or someone gets sick again and my limits are stretched. Through God I have been able to go further than I thought possible. It might include a quick trip to the looney bin at this rate, but I know He'll be there with me. The days are feeling like weeks and the weeks like months. It's frustrating when my brain is at one point and my body can't be there to act on it.

So here's to rest, and regaining strength, and God getting me to the downhill portion of this month, which might take a month to get to......but we'll be there eventually.

My Whining Time

I'm going to preface this post by saying that I need to vent. And knowing that I need to vent means I know in reality everything isn't as bad as it feels this moment. That's probably part of the reason why I haven't written in over three months.....is because my intention with this blog was to stay upbeat and positive. And the weather has been stormy for the last few months around the Dolata household. I'm not sure why I feel like I have to apologize....we all feel things, right?



Dakota is 18 months old going on two. Yes, the temper tantrums and crying have started. If she doesn't get what she wants, she'll stand there and cry for five minutes. She screams and fusses every time you try to buckle her in a carseat or highchair. And I think she just cries for no reason at all. Did I mention she also has three teeth coming in at the same time? She won't let me do anything to/for her. I started questioning why God gave me this beautiful little girl if I can't take care of her. She has good moments too....don't get me wrong. There just weren't a lot of them this weekend.



So all of this puts me on edge....and I think I've fallen off a few times too. I've yelled, I've cried, I've tossed a toothbrush on the floor. Tony tries to help, he really does, but he has no clue. He has no idea of what I go through emotionally or what I feel responsible for. But of course he has his own opinion on those! I get very little done on the weekends because Tony doesn't like to do anything on the weekends. Which means I usually spend most of weekend taking care of her and driving around for two hours so she'll take a nap.



He keeps telling me there's really not that much to be done. He does the laundry on the weekends (I am thankful!) and some of the cleaning. What he means is there's not that much to do that matters to him. Let me give you an idea..........Dakota's room needs to be reorganized, the clothes sorted through and donated or sold or something. And then there's the letters that we've had for a year that still aren't painted. The guest bath needs to have the counters cleared out and the bathtub cleaned so Dakota can use the tub instead of the baby tub that she's really too big for. The hall closet needs to be reorganized and things thrown away. The guest room/office needs to have all the Christmas presents that are for next year put away, desk cleared off, closet with scrapbooking supplies organized, and my files are a disaster. Let's just say there's more piles than files. And that's only half the house!



Does ANYONE get this?



I understand that Dakota and Tony come first. I understand that a clean house really isn't that important. I understand that somewhere in this mess God has a plan for us. But I still have to make it all work. And I haven't the faintest clue how to do it. So I feel lost and confused and frustrated. And when I have a toddler who cries and whines most of the day, I feel really frustrated. We took rides today just so I didn't have to hear her cry anymore.



So now that I'm frustrated, I'm disappointed in myself because I can't handle it all. I can hand over the worries of the unknowns to God, but I'm not sure He can help me make dinner. :) And did I mention what a horrible mother I am because I don't know how to deal with my own child in my own home?



I'm going to start talking in circles soon. I'm thankful tomorrow is Monday and I get to go to work. My job and the people there are the biggest blessing. Dakota is off to daycare, which she doesn't want to leave at the end of the day anyway....yep, she likes the sitter better.



So I guess since Dakota whined and cried all day, I figure I deserve some whining time too. Lord, please help me pull myself and my family back together. Help me figure out how to manage it all. And find time for myself too. Please don't leave my side while I stuggle to make sense of it all. Only You can get me through.

Vacation Redefined

We just got back from our first family vacation. It was fun to see all our family and friends. It was fun to get a break from the normal routine for a few days. But I'm not sure I would call it vacation! Tony and I would count things every time we changed buses, cars, or airplanes. Three bags, two backpacks, stroller, carseat, one baby. It was definitely a learning experience!

When I was little, vacation was about going different places, seeing new things, and visiting family. Becoming a teenager meant vacations were about sleeping late, staying up late, and hanging out. My twenties found vacations full of entertainment.....wherever we went, there had to be something to do. Now, well, now, vacations are different...at least for now. Having a one year old on vacation means life doesn't change, it's just in a different location. No sleeping in, no break from responsibility, not much relaxing. But the time spend with family and friends took over focus and all was enjoyable.

I realized that maybe vacations don't have to be trips out of state. Maybe they don't have to be planned outings that take up an entire day. Rather, if I change my perspective, I can have a vacation every day. I can take a vacation in the quiet car while I'm driving Dakota around so she can take a nap. I can enjoy vacation for the three hours I have to myself every Tuesday morning. Dakota can join me for vacation when we walk to the mailbox. The possibilities are endless this way! I can vacation in bed every night for an hour before I go to sleep!

As with most things, awareness is key to my newfound escapes. Realizing I have these times will allow me to enjoy them. Appreciating what is there only makes it better. Opening up for the possibilities that God can bring every day.........is better than vacation.

Rambling Wishes

Whew! It's been quite the time lately. The last two months have passed by quickly and with many emotions. What else is new? It feels like I have less and less time and more and more to do. Dakota's teething, walking, and in the middle of everything. In other words, I spend more time now worrying that I'm being a good mom and that my little girl is learning to be "good", whatever that means. Dakota demands so much attention that I tend to ignore everything else. I get up when she does, and I go to bed right after she does. It's purely survival tactics. I don't even usually get out of my work clothes until after I eat dinner and she goes to bed. Good thing scrubs are comfy!

I'm happy with so much and yet there's so much more I want to work on. God has stayed by my side the last two months, even though the time I have spent with Him has lessened. Noticing my stress and frustration level increasing, I've made the conscious effort to spend more time with Him through music, reading and prayer. It never feels like enough. I wish I had more time to study the Bible..........I wish I had more time to learn......I wish I had more time to build stronger connections with people that God has recently placed in my life (more on that later)......I wish........I wish........I wish......I wish I felt ok with being the person I am right at this very moment. I am so thankful that God is always there and loving me each and every moment. I pray that He lead me not only in my actions, but in my thoughts. HE gets me through each day.....HE is the shining light in my baby's eyes......HE is the only one.

The Center of a Blur

This is the first week in almost a year that I'm working outside the home for a full week. That's right - 5 days in a row. Basically from 8 to 5:00 every day, some days earlier, some days later. I'm already a little nervous (ok maybe more than a little) after finishing day one. Things were going great at work and then the phone call came.........Mary had an accident and thought she might have broken her jaw or gotten a concussion. Could Tony please pick Dakota up? Let the Daddy Duty begin! :) Tony only has two more weeks before he goes back to school, so I'm very thankful that he was around to go pick her up. Mary's doing ok, but we haven't heard whether day care is open for business tomorrow or not.

The afternoon was a blur at work we were so busy and short staffed. I got home to a screaming child who wouldn't eat for Daddy and a husband who was ready to run out the door. I pleaded for two minutes to use the bathroom and then took over dinner duty. And five minutes later Tony was out the door to "de-stress". Dakota's really teething today so her teeth didn't want to let her rest....it took a lot longer to get her to sleep tonight.

And we get to do this all over again tomorrow??? As a wise friend said, "tomorrow is a new day". He grants us that every minute, every day. Every minute is full of new possibilities. Just because today was like a zoo doesn't mean tomorrow will be. But in the middle of it all, peaceful or not, He's there with me. I don't want to forget to look up every once in a while to remind myself. It gets so crazy that the focus is on the crazy and not the true focus. Lord, help keep me centered by keeping you at my center!

Accept and Appreciate

I've wanted to write for so many weeks and now that I have the chance my mind just went blank. My mother in law has been with us for almost three weeks now. As if keeping an 11 month old entertained wasn't enough! In the past I've often had a challenging relationship with her. My husband was a true momma's boy. Notice I say was? :) It was amazing to see Tony's center of life change once Dakota came along. Suddenly his family was first and foremost in everything.

Anyhoo, I prayed for weeks before she arrived, and since, for help in accepting and appreciating her. That's been my main desire. I don't think we'll ever have a warm fuzzy relationship like I see others have - and I've come to accept that that's ok. It used to be that whenever she came for a visit I would end up in tears numerous times. She doesn't realize it, but she's a very demanding person. Another factor is that she also acts about 80 even though she's only 62 due to some medical issues she had right after I met Tony. So I feel guilty whenever I get frustrated with her.

God's been by my side -- I've only been in tears once and she's only here for two more days. And our once a week outings where it was just the two of us were actually enjoyable. I know that it is only through Him that I have been able to get through these last three weeks and not have a heavy burden on my shoulders. I've been able to sit back, do what I need to do, and let her do whatever she needs to do. I still have guilt issues "Are you sure you don't want me to pay for Molly Maids?" or "I could've made a wig from all the dog hair I got when I dusted the end table." but I've been able to feel it, and then move on. In the past I felt it, hung on to it, and let the next one pile on top of it.

And I definitely have appreciated her this trip. Neither Tony or I have hardly cooked in the last three weeks. The dishes are always done. We didn't pay for groceries for two weeks. She's good with Dakota and wants to do anything and everything to help her. Sometimes her good intentions aren't the most helpful, but she always means well. I have to come up with a creative way to let her know that I really did appreciate all her help while she was here.

So in a few days I will have easier access to the computer and get reconnected to the world a bit more. Although by having her here staying in the guest room where the computer is actually made me spend more time with God. Now that can't be anything but a good thing!