The Battle

I think the clouds outside have found their way into my brain. One day I feel like I have a handle on things and am headed in the right direction. The next day everything feels fuzzy and it's difficult to keep a positive outlook. I keep going back to God, praying, and trying to do what He would have me do. But the inbetween times are filled with headaches and food.

I've been on Weight Watchers for over 3 months now. Don't get me wrong, 13 pounds gone is better than 13 pounds gained. But I struggle....oh, how I struggle. Sometimes it feels like the battle between good and evil goes on in my head and it's all about what I'm trying to eat. I'm an emotional eater, I've always known that. I've learned alot the last 3 months about my patterns, why I eat, when I eat, etc.. But it's still so hard. I literally had to pray and talk to myself as I drove to work this week so I didn't stop and get fast food for breakfast.

I feel bad about myself that I have such a hard time controlling something as routine as eating. Why is it so hard to just say no, and do what I know I should? I feel better about myself when I make better choices. (And that's more than just eating choices) But sadly, sometimes it feels like I just don't care. A cheeseburger or breakfast burrito here and there won't make that much of a difference. But it does. Once the avalanche starts, it's hard to stop. And then emotions get involved and there's a downward spiral from there.

So what is my motivating factor in all this? Well, I need to lose 5 more pounds before insurance will even consider covering me again. Yeah, sure, I want to fit into a size 12 and be prettier. But that's all superficial. I need to work on being healthy to stay off high cholesterol mediciation and not go into diabetes. More than that, I need to be healthy to be there for my daughter.

But it's still so hard. Even knowing the reasons, having the right food available, and wanting to succeed......I battle it every day. I had one good week where everything clicked. It was easier. I'm not sure why it was different, but it was. Now I'm back to minute by minute fighting the grease and chocolate cravings.

God, please fill the space that feels void. The space which I try and fill with food. Give me the strength to make the right choices. Help me win this battle.