The word "family" was redefined for me yesterday by my co-workers. I have worked at an optomitrists office for a year now. The birthday celebration that these dear people gave me made me feel like the most special person in the world. Gifts and cards. Then sweet Spencer, who is 19 and will make someone an excellent husband someday, came in on his day off to play "Happy Birthday" on his violin. They went together and got me a beautiful bouquet of flowers. They took me to lunch.
Remember the oscar acceptance speech by Sally Field? "You like me, you really like me!" That's exactly how I felt. These people "get" me. They appreciate, love, and care for me. They are mormon, catholic, and christian. They are people I spend more time with during the week than I do with my husband and child. They range in age from 19-62.
I am so blessed and thankful to be a part of this family. I feel closer to some of them than I do my own relatives and friends my age. I know God put me in the middle of these people for a reason. I am able to completely be me with I am with them. Right now I can never imagine leaving them. But if I do, for whatever reason, I know that I will always be a part of that family. For now, I focus on being thankful and enjoying every minute.
Friday, May 30, 2008
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
What Matters
I look at her and nothing else in the world matters. It doesn't matter that my backyard has weeds over three feet tall. It doesn't matter that the dog desperately needs to be groomed. It doesn't matter that the vaccum cleaner broke. It doesn't matter than my windshield has a crack in it two feet long.
All that matters is that smile. And the hugs and kisses. My energy and focus is right where it should be. She's not even two and she can count to ten. She gets excited about macaroni and cheese to the point of squeals. She kisses her daddy goodnight five times before she goes to bed. She hugs the dog like he's her best friend.
It's hard to not have enough time or energy to keep "things" up around the house. Looking at the house, I could feel like a complete failure. Looking at what's important, looking at her, I know I am doing something right.
All that matters is that smile. And the hugs and kisses. My energy and focus is right where it should be. She's not even two and she can count to ten. She gets excited about macaroni and cheese to the point of squeals. She kisses her daddy goodnight five times before she goes to bed. She hugs the dog like he's her best friend.
It's hard to not have enough time or energy to keep "things" up around the house. Looking at the house, I could feel like a complete failure. Looking at what's important, looking at her, I know I am doing something right.
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Taking Control Means Giving It Up?
I feel like I'm getting ready to take back control of my life. There's many areas - physically and mentally - that I've recognized as needing work. And I've come to the conclusion that I just have to do it! Whatever "it" is at the moment. So amongst my thoughts on my 45 minute drive home today.....I start thinking how I can take control again. How God might be a part of that.
Then it hit me.....do I have to take back control, or GIVE UP control to Him? I think there's probably a happy medium in there where God will walk with me hand in hand. But I have to go to Him with open arms, like His are always open. And I have to listen for His wisdom as I figure out what to do day to day. And I have to be thankful and use the skills that He has given only me. So I guess there's a few things I need to do too.
All I know is it's time to do something. And with Him it will never be alone.
Then it hit me.....do I have to take back control, or GIVE UP control to Him? I think there's probably a happy medium in there where God will walk with me hand in hand. But I have to go to Him with open arms, like His are always open. And I have to listen for His wisdom as I figure out what to do day to day. And I have to be thankful and use the skills that He has given only me. So I guess there's a few things I need to do too.
All I know is it's time to do something. And with Him it will never be alone.
Monday, April 14, 2008
God Hugged Me Tonight
God hugged me tonight. I physically felt his presence through Dakota while I was rocking her to sleep. She put her arms around my neck and her head on my shoulder and I knew. I knew God was using this beautiful little girl to hug me. It felt amazing. Uplifting, hopeful, peaceful. All things I haven't felt in a long time due to some life events.
But God and my baby just told me we would get through. Everything will be ok because they love me. Tomorrow we can start over again. And they will be there for me. And there will be more hugs. More hope. More peace.
But God and my baby just told me we would get through. Everything will be ok because they love me. Tomorrow we can start over again. And they will be there for me. And there will be more hugs. More hope. More peace.
Saturday, February 23, 2008
It's a Numbers Game
I've been sick for 5 weeks now. I've been to urgent care once, my doctor twice and am on my fourth round of antibiotics. Dakota's been sick for two weeks. She's been to the doctor three times in one month. Tony's been sick for one week and been to the doctor once. (I'm still wondering how he got out so good) Number of times in the last two weeks I've slept without a baby in amy arms all night....ZERO! :)
I have to focus on one thing at a time now, even though it's going to take a hundred times longer to get where I want to be. I've got to get Dakota better first. She slept the most part of 24 hours straight and woke up a new baby. Well, not THAT new....she's back to being cranky, which means she's on her way back to normal. I've prayed so hard that that little body just get stronger. Once I can get her back on a regular schedule and back in daycare full time, I can focus on the next step.
Getting me better. I'm not sure how that's going to happen or how long it's going to take. Every time I stop taking medicine my cold comes back and gets worse. So next week should be interesting. But only after I get my strength back can I really move forward. There's so much I want to do and I just don't have the energy.
I pray that God continues to carry us forward. Everytime I don't think I can go any further, something else happens or someone gets sick again and my limits are stretched. Through God I have been able to go further than I thought possible. It might include a quick trip to the looney bin at this rate, but I know He'll be there with me. The days are feeling like weeks and the weeks like months. It's frustrating when my brain is at one point and my body can't be there to act on it.
So here's to rest, and regaining strength, and God getting me to the downhill portion of this month, which might take a month to get to......but we'll be there eventually.
I have to focus on one thing at a time now, even though it's going to take a hundred times longer to get where I want to be. I've got to get Dakota better first. She slept the most part of 24 hours straight and woke up a new baby. Well, not THAT new....she's back to being cranky, which means she's on her way back to normal. I've prayed so hard that that little body just get stronger. Once I can get her back on a regular schedule and back in daycare full time, I can focus on the next step.
Getting me better. I'm not sure how that's going to happen or how long it's going to take. Every time I stop taking medicine my cold comes back and gets worse. So next week should be interesting. But only after I get my strength back can I really move forward. There's so much I want to do and I just don't have the energy.
I pray that God continues to carry us forward. Everytime I don't think I can go any further, something else happens or someone gets sick again and my limits are stretched. Through God I have been able to go further than I thought possible. It might include a quick trip to the looney bin at this rate, but I know He'll be there with me. The days are feeling like weeks and the weeks like months. It's frustrating when my brain is at one point and my body can't be there to act on it.
So here's to rest, and regaining strength, and God getting me to the downhill portion of this month, which might take a month to get to......but we'll be there eventually.
Sunday, January 27, 2008
My Whining Time
I'm going to preface this post by saying that I need to vent. And knowing that I need to vent means I know in reality everything isn't as bad as it feels this moment. That's probably part of the reason why I haven't written in over three months.....is because my intention with this blog was to stay upbeat and positive. And the weather has been stormy for the last few months around the Dolata household. I'm not sure why I feel like I have to apologize....we all feel things, right?
Dakota is 18 months old going on two. Yes, the temper tantrums and crying have started. If she doesn't get what she wants, she'll stand there and cry for five minutes. She screams and fusses every time you try to buckle her in a carseat or highchair. And I think she just cries for no reason at all. Did I mention she also has three teeth coming in at the same time? She won't let me do anything to/for her. I started questioning why God gave me this beautiful little girl if I can't take care of her. She has good moments too....don't get me wrong. There just weren't a lot of them this weekend.
So all of this puts me on edge....and I think I've fallen off a few times too. I've yelled, I've cried, I've tossed a toothbrush on the floor. Tony tries to help, he really does, but he has no clue. He has no idea of what I go through emotionally or what I feel responsible for. But of course he has his own opinion on those! I get very little done on the weekends because Tony doesn't like to do anything on the weekends. Which means I usually spend most of weekend taking care of her and driving around for two hours so she'll take a nap.
He keeps telling me there's really not that much to be done. He does the laundry on the weekends (I am thankful!) and some of the cleaning. What he means is there's not that much to do that matters to him. Let me give you an idea..........Dakota's room needs to be reorganized, the clothes sorted through and donated or sold or something. And then there's the letters that we've had for a year that still aren't painted. The guest bath needs to have the counters cleared out and the bathtub cleaned so Dakota can use the tub instead of the baby tub that she's really too big for. The hall closet needs to be reorganized and things thrown away. The guest room/office needs to have all the Christmas presents that are for next year put away, desk cleared off, closet with scrapbooking supplies organized, and my files are a disaster. Let's just say there's more piles than files. And that's only half the house!
Does ANYONE get this?
I understand that Dakota and Tony come first. I understand that a clean house really isn't that important. I understand that somewhere in this mess God has a plan for us. But I still have to make it all work. And I haven't the faintest clue how to do it. So I feel lost and confused and frustrated. And when I have a toddler who cries and whines most of the day, I feel really frustrated. We took rides today just so I didn't have to hear her cry anymore.
So now that I'm frustrated, I'm disappointed in myself because I can't handle it all. I can hand over the worries of the unknowns to God, but I'm not sure He can help me make dinner. :) And did I mention what a horrible mother I am because I don't know how to deal with my own child in my own home?
I'm going to start talking in circles soon. I'm thankful tomorrow is Monday and I get to go to work. My job and the people there are the biggest blessing. Dakota is off to daycare, which she doesn't want to leave at the end of the day anyway....yep, she likes the sitter better.
So I guess since Dakota whined and cried all day, I figure I deserve some whining time too. Lord, please help me pull myself and my family back together. Help me figure out how to manage it all. And find time for myself too. Please don't leave my side while I stuggle to make sense of it all. Only You can get me through.
Dakota is 18 months old going on two. Yes, the temper tantrums and crying have started. If she doesn't get what she wants, she'll stand there and cry for five minutes. She screams and fusses every time you try to buckle her in a carseat or highchair. And I think she just cries for no reason at all. Did I mention she also has three teeth coming in at the same time? She won't let me do anything to/for her. I started questioning why God gave me this beautiful little girl if I can't take care of her. She has good moments too....don't get me wrong. There just weren't a lot of them this weekend.
So all of this puts me on edge....and I think I've fallen off a few times too. I've yelled, I've cried, I've tossed a toothbrush on the floor. Tony tries to help, he really does, but he has no clue. He has no idea of what I go through emotionally or what I feel responsible for. But of course he has his own opinion on those! I get very little done on the weekends because Tony doesn't like to do anything on the weekends. Which means I usually spend most of weekend taking care of her and driving around for two hours so she'll take a nap.
He keeps telling me there's really not that much to be done. He does the laundry on the weekends (I am thankful!) and some of the cleaning. What he means is there's not that much to do that matters to him. Let me give you an idea..........Dakota's room needs to be reorganized, the clothes sorted through and donated or sold or something. And then there's the letters that we've had for a year that still aren't painted. The guest bath needs to have the counters cleared out and the bathtub cleaned so Dakota can use the tub instead of the baby tub that she's really too big for. The hall closet needs to be reorganized and things thrown away. The guest room/office needs to have all the Christmas presents that are for next year put away, desk cleared off, closet with scrapbooking supplies organized, and my files are a disaster. Let's just say there's more piles than files. And that's only half the house!
Does ANYONE get this?
I understand that Dakota and Tony come first. I understand that a clean house really isn't that important. I understand that somewhere in this mess God has a plan for us. But I still have to make it all work. And I haven't the faintest clue how to do it. So I feel lost and confused and frustrated. And when I have a toddler who cries and whines most of the day, I feel really frustrated. We took rides today just so I didn't have to hear her cry anymore.
So now that I'm frustrated, I'm disappointed in myself because I can't handle it all. I can hand over the worries of the unknowns to God, but I'm not sure He can help me make dinner. :) And did I mention what a horrible mother I am because I don't know how to deal with my own child in my own home?
I'm going to start talking in circles soon. I'm thankful tomorrow is Monday and I get to go to work. My job and the people there are the biggest blessing. Dakota is off to daycare, which she doesn't want to leave at the end of the day anyway....yep, she likes the sitter better.
So I guess since Dakota whined and cried all day, I figure I deserve some whining time too. Lord, please help me pull myself and my family back together. Help me figure out how to manage it all. And find time for myself too. Please don't leave my side while I stuggle to make sense of it all. Only You can get me through.
Thursday, October 11, 2007
Vacation Redefined
We just got back from our first family vacation. It was fun to see all our family and friends. It was fun to get a break from the normal routine for a few days. But I'm not sure I would call it vacation! Tony and I would count things every time we changed buses, cars, or airplanes. Three bags, two backpacks, stroller, carseat, one baby. It was definitely a learning experience!
When I was little, vacation was about going different places, seeing new things, and visiting family. Becoming a teenager meant vacations were about sleeping late, staying up late, and hanging out. My twenties found vacations full of entertainment.....wherever we went, there had to be something to do. Now, well, now, vacations are different...at least for now. Having a one year old on vacation means life doesn't change, it's just in a different location. No sleeping in, no break from responsibility, not much relaxing. But the time spend with family and friends took over focus and all was enjoyable.
I realized that maybe vacations don't have to be trips out of state. Maybe they don't have to be planned outings that take up an entire day. Rather, if I change my perspective, I can have a vacation every day. I can take a vacation in the quiet car while I'm driving Dakota around so she can take a nap. I can enjoy vacation for the three hours I have to myself every Tuesday morning. Dakota can join me for vacation when we walk to the mailbox. The possibilities are endless this way! I can vacation in bed every night for an hour before I go to sleep!
As with most things, awareness is key to my newfound escapes. Realizing I have these times will allow me to enjoy them. Appreciating what is there only makes it better. Opening up for the possibilities that God can bring every day.........is better than vacation.
When I was little, vacation was about going different places, seeing new things, and visiting family. Becoming a teenager meant vacations were about sleeping late, staying up late, and hanging out. My twenties found vacations full of entertainment.....wherever we went, there had to be something to do. Now, well, now, vacations are different...at least for now. Having a one year old on vacation means life doesn't change, it's just in a different location. No sleeping in, no break from responsibility, not much relaxing. But the time spend with family and friends took over focus and all was enjoyable.
I realized that maybe vacations don't have to be trips out of state. Maybe they don't have to be planned outings that take up an entire day. Rather, if I change my perspective, I can have a vacation every day. I can take a vacation in the quiet car while I'm driving Dakota around so she can take a nap. I can enjoy vacation for the three hours I have to myself every Tuesday morning. Dakota can join me for vacation when we walk to the mailbox. The possibilities are endless this way! I can vacation in bed every night for an hour before I go to sleep!
As with most things, awareness is key to my newfound escapes. Realizing I have these times will allow me to enjoy them. Appreciating what is there only makes it better. Opening up for the possibilities that God can bring every day.........is better than vacation.
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